Tuesday, August 25, 2015

My genghis khan

Trying not to think about you is
Causing me to think about you more 
And the many reasons why I shouldn't be doing so
But those aren't nearly as bad as 
The many reasons you've entered and stayed 
Stuck in my conscious 
You've conquered my mental and stay infiltrating all other aspects of my life and my world 
I'm scared 
I'm scared 
I'm scared 

Monday, August 17, 2015

"Describe nearly drowning"

I was sitting on a ledge in a pool. This ledge, that I used as a seat, was meant to be used to climb in and out of the deep end. This pool was at our neighbor Terry's house. Her house was much nicer than ours. It was summer. I was young, and though I did not know how to swim I often waded in her pool with a life jacket. There was nothing special about this day. It was still hot and it was still summer. I was taking a break and used this ledge to rest. As I sat, half submerged, my aunt read a magazine in a lawn chair a few yards away. She was wearing flip flops and sunglasses. My life jacket was behind me, half off the ledge of the pool; its shadow darkened the water beneath it. I had taken it off for comfort as I rested. Being the careless child I was I pushed off the ledge, ready to swim again, without it. I began to drown. I actually have a distinct memory of thrashing in the water. I remember thinking the water looked white as it splashed over me; I hadn't learned the word transparent yet. I panicked, but I don't remember being scared to die. I was so young. Death was abstract. My aunt jumped in after me. She saved my life. Her flip flops floated atop the water. Her sunglasses sank to the bottom.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

A modest death of forgotten luggage

The few scraps of family I had left
Was packing up and leaving
Leaving like the rest

Sometimes I cant help but feel like someone's forgotten carry-on at the airport.
In this scenario, I like to pretend that someone had the intention of bringing me along but simply left me behind, at the seat where they waited, because I was too small.
Whoever it was forgot me because I was too insignificant to be remembered.

Being forgotten is better than being left behind.

The only flaw in my illusion is that I'm actually starting to feel really alone here and I feel as though the walls around me are closing in. Collapsing inward upon me.
Piece by piece they become reduced to rubble.
As we fall, as we hit the floor together, dust begins to collect.
The air is now thick, stifling. It's hard to breathe. More dust rises.
All simultaneous.

The dust that continues to rise is being swept up violently by the storm raging inside of my head. There is a war there.
There is a war inside of my mind and that is where I live.

I am on a boat; a boat I built for myself.
There was no manual. There are many holes.
Water has begun to collect inside, I  want to save myself, but I am lucid and it seems this death is inescapable.
Water collects, faster now... I am lucid--
I know there will be no savior. No messiah. No second coming.
I want to save myself.
But I am lucid and I know I don't have the means, the skills, or will to do that.
And so, in a few minutes I will drown.
In a few minutes I will drown and die-- the modest death of forgotten luggage.

extroverted introvert

4. We suck at responding to texts because sometimes we don’t want to talk – to anyone.

It’s not that we hate people or that we’re annoyed. Sometimes we’ve just been around people so much that we’re exhausted from talking and texting and Skyping and we just don’t want to talk. We’re totally open to hanging out in person, just don’t expect us to talk too much when we’re in one of these moods.
6. Despite needing our alone time, we do get lonely.
It’s difficult to balance between alone time and not feeling lonely. Often we’ll want to go out because we feel alone, but our apartment is so comfortable that we won’t want to leave.

7. It’s hard to get us out, but we’ll have a great time when we go out.

Sometimes we’ll require some coercing to get us out of the house. Again, it’s not that we don’t want to go out, we just start thinking, “What if it’s not fun? I could totally be reading my book. What if the tickets are sold out? What if they don’t actually want me to go and they’re just inviting me to be nice? We begin to draw into our own heads and make up things that could go wrong and use them as excuses to not go out.

10. We live in our heads even if it seems like we put ourselves out there.

Even when we’re being outgoing, our thoughts are still running and analyzing the situation.

11. Because we can be outgoing and calculated at the same time, sometimes we end up being leaders. But that does not mean we want praise, nor do we want to talk about how great we are.

People seem to think that we’re fit to be leaders. We can stand up and talk in front of crowds when we need to. We can make decisions when we need to. But we often analyze ourselves and don’t think highly of our skill sets. Sometimes we don’t believe we’re good enough to lead. We always think we can be better so praise often makes us cringe.

13. People think we’re flirtatious. We’re not.

We understand that interacting with people is a necessary part of life. So we make an effort to do it intentionally, and genuinely want people to know that they have our undivided interest and attention.

15. We’re at your happiest in places like coffee shops and caf├ęs: surrounded by people, but still closed off and keeping to yourself.

We just like being around people, even if they’re strangers. It’s the compromise of being around people but not having to talk to them.

18. We don’t actually have a staple “group” of friends.

We often pick and choose one or two individuals from different social groups that make up our closest friends. But we make this handful of best friends our life and we’d do anything for them.

19. If we like you, we really like you. We’re extremely picky about who we spend our time and energy on. If we’ve hung out multiple times, take it as a compliment.

Seriously. If it’s such a struggle to talk to people and if we get so exhausting going out, it’s a big deal if we’re willing to spend our time and energy with you. It isn’t to say that we’re full of ourselves. We just wouldn’t want to spend that energy with people whose company we don’t enjoy.
________
read these from http://www.lifehack.org/297304/19-real-life-examples-extroverted-introvert-you-dont-get-confused and i felt these all applied to me

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

pain is memory
sometimes i wish i didn't have to remember
i wonder if i could erase it all if i would

whenever i look back on the past i can never focus on the good
i just focus on all the shit I've done wrong
i focus on my mistakes
and i go over and over in my head what I could have done differently
how i could have avoided a lot of the pain i caused on myself and on others
i want to cry because i know as much as i go back and forth with hypotheticals
if i didnt do this
if i didnt do that
it won't change anything

it can't -- thats life
u fuck up
and u cant change the past

So.. I need to accept that.

I did what I did and the only productive thing I can do now is learn from mistakes. Try not repeat the same ones I have made in the past. Learn and grow.