Monday, May 11, 2015

When your eyes burn

These past few days when I lay down to sleep at night I am flooded. And it usually starts with a single thought. 
“You did not do enough today” 
Close behind follows an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach. This is the anxiety. Soon your chest will begin to feel heavy. Pressure, what was once figurative, now literal. A feeling - a weight has been placed upon your chest. You fight to fall asleep. You fight. 
You lose.
"And you will not do enough tomorrow. You are weak. You will end up just like your fuck up parents. You are lazy. Incompetent. You won't even get out of bed tomorrow. You will amount to nothing. You are useless. You are useless, but mostly you are just fucking weak."
Now you are truly worried you will not do anything the next day….because you simply will not be able to wake up. You will be so sleep deprived that your alarms will not be enough. You start to think… "Sleep." "Sleep." "Please, FUCK. Can I just fall asleep?"
But there are just one too many thoughts. Unresolved issues. Worries. 
I have fucking weights dangling from every inch of my body. I am covered by the many shadows of every obligation hanging above my head. I am suffocating. And I am disappointed with myself. I can't handle this and I have it so fucking easy in comparison to many. I hate that I complain. I have no fucking right to complain. And I truly wonder why am I being so fucking weak? 
Every time I lay to sleep at night. It gets bad. These thoughts have become so fucking invasive. Here I am writing a blog about my inability to sleep at 5:31 AM.
Your only relief is found when you completely exhaust yourself. Personally, I found the easiest way to achieve this is to stay up writing until my eyes burn. Until my eyes burn so bad even the war inside of my mind begins to settle.