Monday, November 17, 2014

and there will always be the beach



and there will always be more sand


The danger of employing your best friend as your lover



You do not just lose your lover, you lose your other half.

You feel you have left behind a part of yourself within the relationship, within that person you loved so fucking hard but had to let go of

You feel a part of you left behind living and existing only in memories, in photos, in immortalized songs and movies
In split seconds of recollection, in moments of nostalgia, in reminiscent talks

...but at least it existed and the beautiful part of your lover also being your best friend
you're able to love and respect that person in ways you wouldn't have been able to otherwise
because even when and if the relationship ends the respect and complete understanding of the other person remains
So, when it ends really only a part, only a segment, of what exists has to end

and with that being said a part of me, if not all of me, will always love you


I will love you to my grave, and though our separation causes me pain as long as you are happy with the point you currently at in your life, then I am happy too.
Because
As your best friend I just want to see you grow, and if that growth was being prevented by my presence (by our relationship) then I am happy to let that part of us die. I am happy to let this part of us die if it means in anyway you are able to find yourself in ways you wouldn't if we stayed together
if this separation provides you with the freedom you need to progress and grow as a person then this was not in vain

Sometimes beautiful things, like our relationship, have certain times and places in which they are supposed to exist and I see now that this, now, is not that time.

Perhaps that slot of time, that opportunity of existence, has come to end.
[Similar to how]
A war may temporarily stimulate an economy and though that economy has benefited from the war's existence the war has to end. The war must end. There can not be perpetual war because then the economy's well being would become completely dependent on warfare. The economy would NEED this war to flourish. And to depend on something as destructive and fragile as warfare and all that warfare entails would not be conducive to sustaining a secure, strong economy.


We both knew the risk
and I'm happy we took it

I'm happy we had our time
our castle made of sand may have been washed away with the current but
I will always remember the time in which it existed
 in which it stood beautifully for all to see and for us to enjoy



Thursday, November 13, 2014

This is my life now, but for some reason there is still a part of me that feels this is all temporary.

I'm not sure if its because I need to let go of something or if I'm avoiding something
but I feel like I am floating
limbo

Nothing in my life has been stable and I'm trying to accept this as normal



I'm here
no one can take away the fact that I'm here that
I made it one step closer to where I want to be
.....right?



why do i feel like something is going to give
i feel like im playing jenga
one false move
vulnerable
on the brink of collapse




will I fuck this up?


Sunday, November 9, 2014

Favorite day of the week

There's something very satisfying about Fridays 

There's reward 
There's promise

Work today have fun tonight 
You don't feel guilty for Friday night pleasures because it was a weekday in itself 

Saturdays are too rich
the chocolate cake that makes your stomach ache 
Saturdays always seem to have you overlooking the toliet bowl regretting what was supposed to be the best night of your life 
And Sundays always spoil with mold created by Mondays overbearing shadow
Mondays creep over Sundays freedom limiting the possibilities of Sundays time 

Yes 
If I were to live a day over and over I would want it to be Friday 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

does acknowledging the insignificance and meaninglessness of life have to always be paired with a feeling of emptiness?

(a thought in progress... i just needed to get this out.... what I'm saying is confusing and probably hard to follow but that's honestly because I'm still trying to wrap my head around these ideas as well because where I grew up it was not common to question the popular ideologies that existed there... so these thoughts are all new to me)

Knowing that there's no larger meaning to your life
there's no "salvation"
there's no "damnation"
there's just here
you live your life and you die

what you do now what you do tomorrow what you did yesterday
has no real meaning
except we must acknowledge that we live within the confines of what our society has deemed as meaning or perhaps what our ideologies (religious and non religious) define as important
and most of us play the game
(in order to survive) go to school get a job get married pay your taxes have kids and die

we are all actors upon the stage society sets for us
and I am not fully criticizing this because I acknowledge the benefits that come with an organized society and that also come with "playing along"
I am just acknowledging (experimenting with the idea) that our lives have no larger meaning except the meaning we have created for ourselves as a society

This acknowledgement leaves some wondering if our actions have no true larger purpose that if our fates are not predetermined and if their is no judgement day what's the point of it all?
The acknowledgement that there is not "true" point to anything leaves some feeling empty...

some argue that what we do and why we 'play along' with everything is a mere distraction to this larger acknowledgment [that nothing we do truly means anything]
but this notion that our experiences and our choices are simply distractions from this idea is where I have an issue
this implies that in order to live a "happy" life (prehaps I can even word it as a "fake" happy life) one must be distracted from the idea of meaninglessness
take this implication a step further... that our experiences and what we choose to do are meaningless distractions in the larger scheme of it all (in a scheme that doesn't truly exist or matter?)

but does meaning have to be a requirement for substance?
does it really????

can we still have substance, can we still feel substance within our lives while knowing nothing matters? is this feeling of emptiness inevitable?

why can't we find substance within our present experiences
can our experiences give us a feeling of substance?

whether or not our experiences have "meaning" they ARE experiences
right?!
at least we know that they are real
they are tangible and can't there be substance in something that is real?

why can't one be "filled" by the substance that lies within their experiences? with their current reality? with their own choices?

I find it empowering knowing that at the end of the day nothing matters because this means my life depends solely on however i choose to "play along" my own actions and choices
I have the power and the control
what I choose to do what I choose not to do

i do not leave a party feeling empty because although my happiness may seem phony and temporary.. the way I see it the happiness is genuine because at least in that moment while I was feeling it I was happy
in that moment it had substance
in that experience I was happy and it was real

(excuse the extremely vague and random example but bares relevance to my life at the moment)

I think if one finds substance and meaning within their own experiences and within the power of choice one can coexist with the acknowledgment of insignificance