Monday, March 31, 2014

realizing that it was never for me

(so i dont forget today and my psychological discover i think i've found the source behind my anxiety)

Up until this day I have been telling myself...lying to myself... convincing myself... that all of my hardwork and all of the effort I have spent was for myself and my personal upward mobility.
However tonight I realized something that has been true my entire life.
In my heart I know now what my motivation is and was all along.... I'm not doing it for me.
It was never for me.
Since middle school I worked my ass of academically (for the most part) because I wanted to show my family that I meant something and education was the only avenue for me to do so.
Now as things have regressed within my immediate family as far as our financial standing and emotional well being (or lack there of) my motivation shifted/adapted somewhat... As a direct result of my extended family's obvious pity/judgements... I began to want to elevate my family name and prove to my aunt and uncles that my Dad's life wasn't all for nothing (that it wasn't all for shit) because I'm his daughter and as much as I hate to admit it... I want to make him proud and and restore his dignity within his family and within himself through my accomplishments.
I'm tired of my aunt and uncles looking down on my family (namely my parents) and feeling bad for us.
I'm old enough now to recognize how they view my parents.... they think they're pathetic pieces of shit. I want to show them that I did it right and that my parents aren't as pathetic as they thought because they something worth while, worth respect. One day I want them to be proud that made me.

Whether or not that made any sense... that's been my thought process for the night...

So to sum it up..... even though you don't deserve it...its all been for you

my whole life's effort has been for you
the source of my pain and abuse is also the source of my entire life's meaning and motivation

Can u say "daddy issues" ?

I fucking feel like there's literally someone sitting on my chest.
My heart hurts.

I want to reach out to you so bad right now because I know you could make me feel better. You could take the pain away.

but i know i cant

Friday, March 7, 2014

"Everything x2 now. Everything for you now"

Thursday, March 6, 2014

you were my best friend before we dated, 
and in my heart you'll always be 

even if you're not really here with me 

always will

im just scared no one will ever know me like you did
no one will ever love like you did
no one will ever care about me like you did

no one will die for me like you would of
i miss you i miss you and i miss you
i want to tell you all day, all night but i know that just isnt right

i feel it in my stomach
the fear of losing you forever when i leave
the fear of losing you to some basic bitch who doesnt give a fuck about you the way i did
the way i always will.

in my mind i see you i remember it all
i was there, you were there through it all
fuck this shit dude i know youre the one for me why did god make us meet before we were ready
before our lives were fuckin steady
whyd we get fucked over like this
time time time it fucks with the best us
it brings out the worst in us
it fucked us

i want to talk to you
i want to hear your voice
i wanna hear that feeling i wanna feel that feeling we had
we had it

we had it all

Wednesday, March 5, 2014


Moment of weakness 

Ugh I hate myself 

Saturday, March 1, 2014


When you were here
Nothing was special about the way your hair looked after you got out of the shower 

When you were here your nice smile and long eyelashes lost their acclaim

Your sense of humor just sort of began to blend in with mine those 
Funny noises you used to make after you said something dumb no longer evoked any belly aching laughs 
Just a smirk or soft smile

When you were here your daily favors of serving me food or grabbing my contacts without being asked went unrecognized

The way you looked while you were sleeping,
How you pull your shirt forward and precede to shake it a little everytime you stand up,
How you always pretended to bite your nails after I told you to stop biting your nails,
How you would always be willing to dance with me in the kitchen while we waited for the water to boil and how you would never let me stir because you were scared I would get burnt 
These details...

These little insignificant fucks 

Are the all that I think about when I miss you most 

And I hate them with all my heart

Not because I can't seem to get them out of my thoughts..

These are the things I'm afraid I will forget 

That. is what I'm most afraid of