Monday, November 17, 2014

and there will always be the beach



and there will always be more sand


The danger of employing your best friend as your lover



You do not just lose your lover, you lose your other half.

You feel you have left behind a part of yourself within the relationship, within that person you loved so fucking hard but had to let go of

You feel a part of you left behind living and existing only in memories, in photos, in immortalized songs and movies
In split seconds of recollection, in moments of nostalgia, in reminiscent talks

...but at least it existed and the beautiful part of your lover also being your best friend
you're able to love and respect that person in ways you wouldn't have been able to otherwise
because even when and if the relationship ends the respect and complete understanding of the other person remains
So, when it ends really only a part, only a segment, of what exists has to end

and with that being said a part of me, if not all of me, will always love you


I will love you to my grave, and though our separation causes me pain as long as you are happy with the point you currently at in your life, then I am happy too.
Because
As your best friend I just want to see you grow, and if that growth was being prevented by my presence (by our relationship) then I am happy to let that part of us die. I am happy to let this part of us die if it means in anyway you are able to find yourself in ways you wouldn't if we stayed together
if this separation provides you with the freedom you need to progress and grow as a person then this was not in vain

Sometimes beautiful things, like our relationship, have certain times and places in which they are supposed to exist and I see now that this, now, is not that time.

Perhaps that slot of time, that opportunity of existence, has come to end.
[Similar to how]
A war may temporarily stimulate an economy and though that economy has benefited from the war's existence the war has to end. The war must end. There can not be perpetual war because then the economy's well being would become completely dependent on warfare. The economy would NEED this war to flourish. And to depend on something as destructive and fragile as warfare and all that warfare entails would not be conducive to sustaining a secure, strong economy.


We both knew the risk
and I'm happy we took it

I'm happy we had our time
our castle made of sand may have been washed away with the current but
I will always remember the time in which it existed
 in which it stood beautifully for all to see and for us to enjoy



Thursday, November 13, 2014

This is my life now, but for some reason there is still a part of me that feels this is all temporary.

I'm not sure if its because I need to let go of something or if I'm avoiding something
but I feel like I am floating
limbo

Nothing in my life has been stable and I'm trying to accept this as normal



I'm here
no one can take away the fact that I'm here that
I made it one step closer to where I want to be
.....right?



why do i feel like something is going to give
i feel like im playing jenga
one false move
vulnerable
on the brink of collapse




will I fuck this up?


Sunday, November 9, 2014

Favorite day of the week

There's something very satisfying about Fridays 

There's reward 
There's promise

Work today have fun tonight 
You don't feel guilty for Friday night pleasures because it was a weekday in itself 

Saturdays are too rich
the chocolate cake that makes your stomach ache 
Saturdays always seem to have you overlooking the toliet bowl regretting what was supposed to be the best night of your life 
And Sundays always spoil with mold created by Mondays overbearing shadow
Mondays creep over Sundays freedom limiting the possibilities of Sundays time 

Yes 
If I were to live a day over and over I would want it to be Friday 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

does acknowledging the insignificance and meaninglessness of life have to always be paired with a feeling of emptiness?

(a thought in progress... i just needed to get this out.... what I'm saying is confusing and probably hard to follow but that's honestly because I'm still trying to wrap my head around these ideas as well because where I grew up it was not common to question the popular ideologies that existed there... so these thoughts are all new to me)

Knowing that there's no larger meaning to your life
there's no "salvation"
there's no "damnation"
there's just here
you live your life and you die

what you do now what you do tomorrow what you did yesterday
has no real meaning
except we must acknowledge that we live within the confines of what our society has deemed as meaning or perhaps what our ideologies (religious and non religious) define as important
and most of us play the game
(in order to survive) go to school get a job get married pay your taxes have kids and die

we are all actors upon the stage society sets for us
and I am not fully criticizing this because I acknowledge the benefits that come with an organized society and that also come with "playing along"
I am just acknowledging (experimenting with the idea) that our lives have no larger meaning except the meaning we have created for ourselves as a society

This acknowledgement leaves some wondering if our actions have no true larger purpose that if our fates are not predetermined and if their is no judgement day what's the point of it all?
The acknowledgement that there is not "true" point to anything leaves some feeling empty...

some argue that what we do and why we 'play along' with everything is a mere distraction to this larger acknowledgment [that nothing we do truly means anything]
but this notion that our experiences and our choices are simply distractions from this idea is where I have an issue
this implies that in order to live a "happy" life (prehaps I can even word it as a "fake" happy life) one must be distracted from the idea of meaninglessness
take this implication a step further... that our experiences and what we choose to do are meaningless distractions in the larger scheme of it all (in a scheme that doesn't truly exist or matter?)

but does meaning have to be a requirement for substance?
does it really????

can we still have substance, can we still feel substance within our lives while knowing nothing matters? is this feeling of emptiness inevitable?

why can't we find substance within our present experiences
can our experiences give us a feeling of substance?

whether or not our experiences have "meaning" they ARE experiences
right?!
at least we know that they are real
they are tangible and can't there be substance in something that is real?

why can't one be "filled" by the substance that lies within their experiences? with their current reality? with their own choices?

I find it empowering knowing that at the end of the day nothing matters because this means my life depends solely on however i choose to "play along" my own actions and choices
I have the power and the control
what I choose to do what I choose not to do

i do not leave a party feeling empty because although my happiness may seem phony and temporary.. the way I see it the happiness is genuine because at least in that moment while I was feeling it I was happy
in that moment it had substance
in that experience I was happy and it was real

(excuse the extremely vague and random example but bares relevance to my life at the moment)

I think if one finds substance and meaning within their own experiences and within the power of choice one can coexist with the acknowledgment of insignificance




Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Will this die
Will we let it die? 

Do we even have a say?

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Now

Here in this moment with you 
Sometimes when I'm here with you I like to pretend this will last forever 
I close my eyes to feel each moment pass
I want to slow it down
I want to live in this moment 
With you
I know a part of me will stay behind when I leave
I know it because I can feel the part of you in me 


I can look horizon to horizon to find someone else but why would I do that when I have you, here. 
I don't want someone else. I want you. 
I chose you. 

It all doesn't matter in the end... The looks, the question of whether or not either of us could 'do better'. All that matters is that I have you to love me and call me beautiful when I grow fat or gray. All that matters is that if I have to leave this earth before my time I have you to hold my hand, to kiss me one final time, and to whisper something tragic before saying goodbye. Life is too short to search when you have someone magnificent right in front of you. Life is too short to search when someone who loves you unconditionally and at your worst... Someone who fights for your love everyday. 
You fought for me 

each day your love comes to wash away all the hate and mistakes that my shore harbors 
And although everyday my ugly returns your love is there, day by day, to wash it all away 
Every day you work away my imperfections 
Every single day your love cleanses my soul and reveals to me beauty 

Why search for better when you have the best?

I don't want to search
No, 
I don't need to search when I have you.

Friday, September 12, 2014

idea

Do you think stereotypes are true? If asked this question yesterday and ever day before that I would most likely respond..
No, of course not but there has to be some truth behind a stereotype. Why else would they start and continue to be around if there wasn't some truth behind them?
However, I think the reason why popular stereotypes thrive and are believed in our culture is because of this very thought. Specifically, the repetition of this very thought. Stereotypes are perpetuated countless times a day from many different platforms of communication, and of course the more we hear it the more believable. [Social media, comedy, etc]
Furthermore, I don't think it's the stereotype itself that is/was real. I think the repetition and wide-spread belief in the stereotype has helped make it real (at least somewhat). I know this is crazy idea, [so reader may beware] but bare with me. I'll use a stereotype that is widely joked about and believed in my town as an example. I live in a city with many Vietnamese people, and one stereotype I hear many times a week are complaints that "Asians are bad drivers." Going off of my earlier claim, that the more something is said the more believable it comes.. this is what keeps the stereotype alive. Lets suppose I am a new, young Asian driver. As a new driver of course it is natural to not be very good at it (similar to when you begin any new task). However because our media and culture has embedded this stereotype into our society, I may dismiss my "bad driving" due to the fact that I am Asian and not that I am a new driver. This is dangerous because if I amount my bad driving due to something I can not control, such as my ethnicity, it implies that I can do nothing to fix or change my poor driving skills. Perhaps I would not try as hard to fix my poor driving habits because I believe there is no use... because I am asian and always will be asian. 
There's something very powerful about repetition in our culture. It seems the more something is said the more value, respect, and truth it harbors.... This is not a new phenomenon as one has seen it happen again and again in western civilization. [I am not educated enough to whether this happens in other less developed/different cultures tbh but I digress] Repetition has the ability to take an idea and spread it across one end of our country to the next. Repetition can take 
The more shares and comments a facebook video has the more worthy we deem it to watch. I see myself subconsciously rely on repetition every day. I search "cute dogs" on  youtube, and without thinking I choose the video with the most views. Because I have been conditioned to assume that more views means better quality. Most times this is right? Or so we think... but what about when this notion is wrong? 
If one day a person told me to jump from a 50 foot cliff into a seemingly shallow body of water because it was thrilling and fun.. I would tell him or her to screw off. But if perhaps 35 people told me to do the same thing I would begin to consider it. Perhaps the next day I saw several instagram posts of people (including friends) jumping from this same cliff. This bandwagon, this repetition, makes it seem more credible/desirable then when the first person originally proposed it. And the next time I arrive at this cliff, I too will jump. Even with risks involved, It's natural to trust bandwagons and it's also natural to want to hop on one. This is where I the obvious risks come in. 
Repetition can come in many forms.  

sterotypes, social media negative sharing essay

Do you think stereotypes are true? If asked this question yesterday and every day before that I would most likely respond..
No, of course not but there has to be some truth behind a stereotype. Why else would they start and continue to be around if there wasn’t some truth behind them?
However, now I think the reason why popular stereotypes thrive and are believed in our culture is because of this very thought. Specifically, the repetition of this very thought. Stereotypes are perpetuated countless times a day from many different platforms of communication, and of course the more we hear it the more believable. [Social media, comedy, etc]
Furthermore, I don’t think it’s the stereotype itself that is/was real. I think the repetition and wide-spread belief in the stereotype has helped make it real (at least somewhat). I know this is crazy idea, [so reader may beware] but bare with me. I’ll use a stereotype that is widely joked about and believed in my town as an example. I live in a city with many Vietnamese people, and one stereotype I hear many times a week are complaints that “Asians are bad drivers.” Going off of my earlier claim, that the more something is said the more believable it comes.. this is what keeps the stereotype alive. Lets suppose I am a new, young Asian driver. As a new driver of course it is natural to not be very good at driving (similar to when you begin any new task). However because our media and culture has embedded this stereotype into our society, I may dismiss my “bad driving” due to the fact that I am Asian and not that I am a new driver. This is dangerous because if I amount my bad driving due to something I can not control, such as my ethnicity, it implies that I can do nothing to fix or change my poor driving skills. Perhaps I would not try as hard to fix my poor driving habits because I believe there is no use… because I am asian and always will be asian. 
Let’s say a person named Nick was the first person to begin to ever correlate Asians with bad driving skills. Maybe on Monday Nick was driving and was cut off dangerously by a driver who appeared to be asian.. of course he noticed this person’s appearance because he was directly involved in the incident. Nick drives to the market on Wednesday when he is hit by a driver who also appears to be Asian… now perhaps Nick has it in his head that the two shared characteristics of these poor drivers have some effect on their driving skills…. and so the the stereotyped is birthed! Now Nick tells a few friends and it slowly makes it way around perhaps to someone with influence. Let’s say…. a famous comedian? Let’s say Dane Cook hears the stereotype and jokes about it in his stand up. Now the stereotype has made its way to us, to the mainstream. This is important to mention because now the next time we see someone cut us off abruptly the first thing we will subconsciously look for is if they are asian. Maybe we will catch ourselves making a racial remark, “Damn Asians!” This is significant because if the next day we are cut off by a white person we will not comment on anything about his or her race instead we may scream something along the lines of, “Fucking shit man!” This is why stereotypes spread…. because we are subconsciously looking for reasons to validate the claims they make. We are naturally on the look out for cause to use them ourselves because heck… if millions of other people are saying it…if Dane Cook is saying it…. if Mom is saying it….. it must be true right?! 
Wrong. 
There’s something very powerful about repetition in our culture. It seems the more something is said the more value, respect, and truth it harbors…. This is not a new phenomenon as one has seen it happen again and again in western civilization. [I am not educated enough to claim whether this happens in other cultures tbh but I digress] Repetition has the ability to take an idea and spread it across one end of our country to the next. This is what is beautiful about communication. However, this is also very detrimental as we often may spread ignorant claims that can set us back on topics such as gender equality, sexual orientation, and racism. The repetition of a racial joke, disrespectful claim about homosexuals or women can cause a very big problem in our culture.
Technology and social media are great, and there’s no doubt about that.. But I also think we need to realize that when this sharing and spreading acts as a vehicle to the promotion of disrespect to women, homosexuals, people of any color it acts as very real threat to the progression of civil rights and mutual respect among all races and both genders… even if we don’t realize it! 
I see it happen everyday, multiple times a day as I am admittedly very active among mainstream social media outlets. The more shares and comments a facebook video has the more worthy we deem it to watch. The more retweets a given tweet has the more likely I will be to take the time to read it rather than scroll by. In fact, I see myself subconsciously rely on repetition every day. I search “cute dogs” on  youtube, and without thinking I choose the video with the most views. Because I have been conditioned to assume that more views means better quality. Most times this is right? Or so most think… and that’s okay. What about when this notion is wrong?
I recently started to read Tuesdays with Morrie and inside the novel there is an idea talking about Tension of Opposites. This reminds me of how social media can be so unbelievably progressive and positive, and at the same time be so negative and destructive. Every single day I see people sharing videos about things like suicide prevention and activism while protests desperately fight for justice in Ferguson. However I see the exact opposite happening simultaneously and abundantly while most of us don’t consider the impeding affect our simple retweet, reblog, or share may be causing on our constant struggle to end issues such as racism and sexism.
Most can agree that the more we hear something or see something the less effect it has on us. One’s tolerance of alcohol depends on frequency and amount in which one drinks it…. although there is still an effect on our body we are able to consume more. This is good for college students, but not very convenient for an alcoholic. Alcohol can be fine in moderation maybe even bring a smile to our face.. but at the end of the day there still remains the fact, the truth, that alcohol is indeed poison to our bodies. Now imagine alcohol, in this sense, is the aggregate sum of all negative things we are sharing on social media; whether it be a racial joke, a negative stereotype, a disrespectful generalization about women it may be seemingly harmless in the moment but undeniably still toxic to our culture. 
For example I’ll take something that I have seen firsthand and can relate to extremely. I believe the spread and wide acceptance of derogatory terms against women (especially young women) is largely thanks to how we use and share such terms on social media. Most twitter users can attest to seeing young men call young women sluts, hoes, thots, and bitches multiple times on any given day. Others can attest to a women’s body being exploited as a mad boyfriend or shady person shares a woman’s nudes on social media. Whether or not you are joking when you call a women a hoe or you objectify a woman’s body this is still part of the overall problem. Relating back to my earlier claim that the more we see something the less affect it has well all is in the same with disrespecting women because now it has become normal to call a woman a hoe. It has become common practice to call a woman a slut. Whether you mean it or not the danger is in the fact that many of us are no longer even phased by such negative and hurtful words. This is especially harmful to young impressionable minds. 
As the technological era thrives children will begin to have phones at earlier and earlier ages. If social media continues the path it is on young boys for example will grow up seeing that the use of derogatory terms against women is (at the least) common. Maybe just maybe they will be bright enough to know it is not right, but just the fact that it is commonplace makes it hazardous to the fight for gender equality. I would like to make a hypothesis that perhaps one day I can research at UCSB.. I think that a man who grew up a prevalent social media user is AT LEAST twice more likely to call a woman a derogatory term or disrespect a woman simply because she is woman than a man who grew up a non frequent social media user.
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe you disagree, but perhaps a few of you out there see some truth in what I am saying. Either way now that it is 7am and I am tired I will wrap up my unfinished claims with a final realization. A sort of insight I have acquired from writing this…. Social media is not to blame here. It is an easy scapegoat, but we must remember that it is us and largely the youth who control what we share. We control what “normal” and “acceptable” is. We control it all. As with everything there will be the tensions of opposites, but I just think it would beneficial for more of us to acknowledge and talk about how what we share can ultimately affect how we treat each other on a larger scale.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Dormant one week, overwhelming the next... My life seems to always be sitting on opposite sides of the spectrum. I am not accustom to normalcy in the sense I am not entirely sure if it exists. Extremes are what I know. 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

A comment or two about our generation I wanted to express at 6am.. I may not make much sense but maybe I'll be able to utilize a few of these thoughts in the future

Many of us have heard our parents, grandparents, teachers, etc. drag on about how our generation is shit. How we don’t give a fuck about what our government does, about worldly events, well… about anything at all really. I disagree. I think our generation has trouble balancing our responsibilities. Whether it be responsibilities we have at home, school, or even the ones we uphold on a social level….. we have shitty time management. [Now if you’re some smart ass don’t get your panties in a wad I am speaking in mere generalities, personal experience, and only have a 12th grade education so reader you may beware….]
Lately I’ve been trying to keep moderately up to date with current events mainly what has been going on in my country. I have found this to be more difficult than I initially anticipated for a few reasons… 
There is so much shit going on in our country and to be completely honest is pretty difficult to wrap my head around let alone keep track of… education reform, police brutality, racism, water shortages, sexism, rape culture, anti immigration, civil rights cases…… the list goes on and on. 
It is so fucking hard to be an informed, educated young citizen who gives a shit when I’m constantly sharing, liking, tweeting, texting, calling, binging on netflix, scrolling through pictures of photoshopped models, ranting on tumblr ….. I guess what I’m trying to imply is that social media is great but also paralyzing. Now, I’m not blaming anyone for this.. We make our own choices when it comes to how we decide to divide our time. 

Our time consumption is not limited to our bad habits. Many of my contemporaries have already returned to school and are working a part time job… I currently don’t have it half as bad, and I myself am struggling to stay up to date with events effecting my community/country. This is why I think it is unfair for our elders to assume our lack of involvement is due to a lack of character or substance. A lot of us want to help, and I would even go as far to argue that a lot of us want to take part in the change we want to see in our society… we are just very, very distracted. We don’t have our priorities straight and it is especially hard to stay informed on even the most pressing issues when the most mainstream news outlets no longer offer true objectivity. 
Its so fucking hard to find a single news station, paper, online editorial, etc. that is completely objective. Every source I come across seems to have an underlying tone or at least a presence of bias. Now I believe this lack of objectivity in mainstream news outlets presents a problem for us (the youth). Many of us are still trying to figure out where we stand on the political spectrum as well as simultaneously learning how to garner our own identity/thoughts/deal with other generic adolescence bullshit. Whether we like to admit or not, as youth we are still very impressionable. Consequently, this is why objectivity is so crucial for a young reader/citizen. 
Mainstream media outlets need to stop trying to mold us, convince us, condition us to be and to think how they want us to. Let us try to think for our fucking selves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
However, realistically I admit this will probably never happen because that is not good business and there’s no profit in honesty. Where there are billions of dollars of money to be made, we can almost always be certain corruption is lurking nearby in the shadows. Short of a revolution, I can’t say I have the slightest clue of a truly formidable solution. I do have some silly ideas but with lack of funding or any remote influence these will most likely never see the light of day…… However I think because of my naive nature that partners with my young age I still believe our generation has potential and power. If even a fraction of more of us learn how to better channel our passions and efforts to pressing social issues we could move mountains. 

Perhaps the next time I feel like going on a rant I’ll go into detail about how I think we can improve ourselves as citizens as we learn to use our voices as means of influence…….. that is if I’m not too busy sharing another selfie ;-)

Friday, August 15, 2014

Understanding you

If something didn't work you taught me to fix it... with your own hands and with your own sweat.

You always taught me to find a way. To make it work. To be positive and to always be friendly.

If only you could have been more present in my life... where would we be?

Regardless of all your many mistakes I am grateful for the lessons you passed on to me

I'll never exactly know what you were doing when you were gone and I will never know why you left so many times...why you came back or when you will go again


Monday, August 4, 2014

And in that moment we were kids again 

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Into oblivion and beyond

I'm not sure how to explain it 
I'm not sure if you're my complementary good or my missing peice 
I'm not even entirely sure if there's some cliche to describe it..
How I feel when I'm with you 

I could call you the one but we've already discussed that our inconvenient young age makes it difficult to stay together but I do feel something 

You make me feel something 
And I don't know what it's called 


When I look at you I feel certain... similar to the feeling you get when you get back the results of your final after weeks of anticipation 


When I'm with you I feel like I am in the right spot at the right time or as if time doesn't matter at all
Like I don't need to worry about being anywhere else or seeing anyone else because I'm already where I need to be.... Where I belong 


You represent, you are something to me I've never had growing up... Consistency. but more specifically consistent love 
I don't know why I feel this way towards you but I have a few nonsensical theories
 
I sometimes feel as if my heart travels with you 
As if it's left my body by something more than free will it left because it had to because what we have is real 
Tangible and visible but only to the only pure entity in our flawed bodies 

This may sound weird but it's like when I'm with you I'm almost not scared to die because as tragic as it and as repetitive as it is as I am quoting one of our mutually favorite bands... To die by your side would be such a heavenly way to die 

But in all seriousness and all comedic coincidences aside I love you and although we can not know forsure what the future holds 

Today, at this very moment, you have my heart
You have my heart as it walks with you 
You are my home and my escape 
To disappear with you would be an honor  I love you and I thank you for making even my greatest fears seem insignificant 

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

I can't sleep..

Youre awake, I'm awake...

I want to reach out to you but I know I shouldn't...... 

It would have been our 2 years 


But I won't do it I won't do it I won't do it

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

82 days

and i still feel a part of me missing
everyday i waited
and everyday i waited for you
do you ever hear a song
a song that brings you back
brings you back to a moment, a place, a face, a sound, a touch

it brings you back
you almost feel like you've sucessfully traveled through time
to this particular place

sometimes it feels good
but most times it feels bad

like right now


im here with you
in your bed
a touch away from you
i can see you smiling with your eyes closed
i can feel your warmth nearby radiating in my direction
im here with you

i reach out
and you're gone




the walkmen
the smiths
incubus
the drums
the strokes
led zeppelin
the doors

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Miss you a little more each day

As we drift further 
I think about you more 
The time we had and what we each took for granted 

Writing this cause I know it wouldn't be right to tell you 
I still think about you
Not sure if this is good bad normal sad whatever



Always hoping you're safe and happy
Want nothing but the best for you 

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Senior prom is over with

Constantly thinking about moments
How fast they pass
The ones you'll never remember 

Trying to use a few to just absorb what's going on around me
A transitional phase of trying to learn to be ok with being alone 

One moment at a time 
The tape keeps rolling 
The projector hot 
Will you still be here when the credits roll? 

Moments
I need to spend a few trying to remember 
Not thinking not acting
Just absorbing and enjoying my time 
The time,
This time

Moments
Too many have come and gone 
I'm lost
Within and around these moments 

Moments 
Too many have come and gone

I'm lost within these
Within you
And without you 

Moments pass

I'm lost 

Moments pass
Do you still love me? 


Moments pass
I'm lost


Moments pass



Monday, April 28, 2014

I can do this 
With some strength and support I can do this 

Saturday, April 19, 2014


I feel myself growing colder with each day that passes
Life has corrupted me, but that's just how shit goes I guess.

You keep your head up and keep walking or you get fucked over, but either way life doesn't give a shit about me...or you... or anyone

you are on your own in this world
and the more i realize that the more i lose my old self
i used to look at life with such an optimistic viewpoint but now that is shot to hell


you really are alone in this world and theres nothing you can do about it
time stops for no one


and thats just the shitty truth


i remember everyday i used to wake up with a love in my belly
a warm presence sitting in the midst of my core
fueling my motivation and acting as the little spark to my little life

i feel almost as if this love...this love gave me purpose and made me a warm, caring person


now that it is gone
the sweet innocent fire that used to burn inside me is being replaced with hate
i feel like i am slowly losing myself to the world

i used to see the good in people
but now i assume the worst and i am not as nearly as sweet or nice as i used to be

i feel myself slipping away
maybe this is part of growing up but i feel myself growing colder with everyday that passes

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Life fucking sucks sometimes dude...
i still miss you

you're a part of me and always will be





i wish i could tell you more often
i wish we could talk more often
but i know we shouldn't and i know we cant










but i just hope you know I still care





Saturday, April 5, 2014

and i still think about you







and i only think about the good things

Monday, March 31, 2014

realizing that it was never for me

(so i dont forget today and my psychological discover i think i've found the source behind my anxiety)

Up until this day I have been telling myself...lying to myself... convincing myself... that all of my hardwork and all of the effort I have spent was for myself and my personal upward mobility.
However tonight I realized something that has been true my entire life.
In my heart I know now what my motivation is and was all along.... I'm not doing it for me.
It was never for me.
Since middle school I worked my ass of academically (for the most part) because I wanted to show my family that I meant something and education was the only avenue for me to do so.
Now as things have regressed within my immediate family as far as our financial standing and emotional well being (or lack there of) my motivation shifted/adapted somewhat... As a direct result of my extended family's obvious pity/judgements... I began to want to elevate my family name and prove to my aunt and uncles that my Dad's life wasn't all for nothing (that it wasn't all for shit) because I'm his daughter and as much as I hate to admit it... I want to make him proud and and restore his dignity within his family and within himself through my accomplishments.
I'm tired of my aunt and uncles looking down on my family (namely my parents) and feeling bad for us.
I'm old enough now to recognize how they view my parents.... they think they're pathetic pieces of shit. I want to show them that I did it right and that my parents aren't as pathetic as they thought because they something worth while, worth respect. One day I want them to be proud that made me.

Whether or not that made any sense... that's been my thought process for the night...

So to sum it up..... even though you don't deserve it...its all been for you

my whole life's effort has been for you
the source of my pain and abuse is also the source of my entire life's meaning and motivation



Can u say "daddy issues" ?


I fucking feel like there's literally someone sitting on my chest.
My heart hurts.

I want to reach out to you so bad right now because I know you could make me feel better. You could take the pain away.

but i know i cant



Friday, March 7, 2014

"Everything x2 now. Everything for you now"

Thursday, March 6, 2014

you were my best friend before we dated, 
and in my heart you'll always be 

even if you're not really here with me 

always will

im just scared no one will ever know me like you did
no one will ever love like you did
no one will ever care about me like you did

no one will die for me like you would of
i miss you i miss you and i miss you
i want to tell you all day, all night but i know that just isnt right

i feel it in my stomach
the fear of losing you forever when i leave
the fear of losing you to some basic bitch who doesnt give a fuck about you the way i did
the way i always will.

in my mind i see you i remember it all
i was there, you were there through it all
fuck this shit dude i know youre the one for me why did god make us meet before we were ready
before our lives were fuckin steady
whyd we get fucked over like this
time time time it fucks with the best us
it brings out the worst in us
it fucked us


i want to talk to you
i want to hear your voice
i wanna hear that feeling i wanna feel that feeling we had
we had it




we had it all



Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Fuck

Moment of weakness 



Ugh I hate myself 

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Forgetting

When you were here
Nothing was special about the way your hair looked after you got out of the shower 

When you were here your nice smile and long eyelashes lost their acclaim

Your sense of humor just sort of began to blend in with mine those 
Funny noises you used to make after you said something dumb no longer evoked any belly aching laughs 
Just a smirk or soft smile

When you were here your daily favors of serving me food or grabbing my contacts without being asked went unrecognized

The way you looked while you were sleeping,
How you pull your shirt forward and precede to shake it a little everytime you stand up,
How you always pretended to bite your nails after I told you to stop biting your nails,
How you would always be willing to dance with me in the kitchen while we waited for the water to boil and how you would never let me stir because you were scared I would get burnt 
These details...

These little insignificant fucks 

Are the all that I think about when I miss you most 

And I hate them with all my heart

Not because I can't seem to get them out of my thoughts..
No,

These are the things I'm afraid I will forget 







That. is what I'm most afraid of