Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I'm tired now and am dreading my homework but damn you are worth it.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Stress is thrilling yet destructive yet motivational yet stress

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Stopped to ask myself how and why

I'm not sure if it's the things you did, the way you looked, or how you sent chills down my spine when we were alone. Maybe it was your personality?
Our similarities? Our differences? Our stubbornness? Maybe it's the way you acted after the first time you called me bitch, or maybe it was the way you felt after the first time you threw a pillow at my face a little too hard. It could have been when you shared your hot pocket even though you were unhappy with me. Or how you always get the water, turn off the light, and move the fan. Or maybe it's your willingness to do all three. How you offer me the last tortilla and when I say no you ask again. Coulda been dancing at the ucla party. Or dancing at Stephanie's quince or dancing in your room every time I don't want to sit anymore. How you asked that lady for money at in n out because I wanted fries. What you did for David at home depot. How you looked at me when you brought me shorts today. The face you make right before you're about to say something I'll pinch you for. How hard I laughed after you showed me that you didn't know what to say after Vargas acknowledged us. The mole on your ear. Remembering the very first floor sesh before we liked each other when you wouldn't give up Jessica's bean bag. The fucking way you mimicked Mexican dancing at neon nights and caused me to almost fall over from a lack of oxygen because I was laughing so hard. The look on your face after everyone got wet over the banner you made. The way you treated me that day I had really bad cramps. How you followed me to the water fountain. How you explained the failed voicemail for Diana. The way you always looked after us when we got a bit too careless. How you laughed at my jokes when we watched absentia.

Hi Torrance

Uneasy stomach
Trying to understand
Trying, doesn't hold much
You don't know
The power
If only you knew
Maybe then you would sing nicer songs
Softer, mellow melodies
At least now, while I'm
Uneasy, topics and faulty emotional ground
This half built foundation doesn't hold much and you're stomping around
Dead weight on my constant work in progress
Just let me finish building this porch
So you can walk there freely, when it's safe.
When it's ready
When I'm ready

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Confusion and questions

Need one another to exist.

I asked you for a sign last night, and I think you gave me one. And yet something is keeping my heart and my mind from peace. Now I need to pray for clarity.

"It used to be a big part of your life."
You're absolutely right. When I heard you say this my stomach dropped. I wasn't sure how to respond. I felt sad or maybe somewhat guilty... But I wasn't sure.. Of anything really. Where do I go from here? Am I making things up? All I know is I can't just sit idly by like I always do anymore.. It's unsettlingly and overwhelms me.
I have realized that ever since I was 13 faith has been a topic that comes in waves of different magnitudes, but never dissipates completely. Faith has been a topic, in my recent life, that seems to always sit patiently in the back of mind.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Update

School -
First couple weeks have been extremely easy.... trying to be a better student is way easier when you have depressingly easy classes..........

Recent Life -
The Highs-
enjoying myself tremendously
high school is fun, a fantasy, but profoundly enjoyable...
boyfriend
simple blessings
This past summer I think I've learned to adjust and adapt to shitty situations at least somewhat proactively
...rolling with the punches is an ever changing art form
shit happens
life happens
people change

The Lows-
not having a home, not having a place to call my own
feeling like a moocher
jaynee leaving to SF
summer ending
missing the careless days and nights
missing easy living

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

A(pathetic)merican society

Twice used greeted cards complete with empty wishes and cold cash,
Complacent receivers and complacent givers.
We all have our own agendas
Quietly convincing each other that good, is good enough.
That room temperature intentions can be dressed up real fancy like
Seemingly warm and half assed genuine.
Riding on hours of half filled buckets,
A two way tie of losers
Happily adequate
happily declining as long as self is happily semi-satisfied.
Custom license plates and fat dogs.