Sunday, December 23, 2012

love

we tend to focus on details while living in the present
when someone asks you what you did today you're able to answer with a detailed response
but
when we look back on the past year
things start to boil down to the most significant memories
maybe to a few words to describe the main ideas of what has happened in this particular year
a name of your best friend, or boyfriend, a phase you went through, a few activities....
boiling down to...
years
maybe you can only think of two words now
boiling down further
to reflecting on life in general..
what have you noticed reoccur in your life most?
what has kept you going all this time?

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Physical education down time

Birthing parallel universes
Inside of my mind
Is a garden
In the middle of spring
Songs singing blue birds, humming birds, and mocking jays
Products of free time
Alternate realities absorbing the scum and grime that lies beside the reasons we learn to distrust
A place where tears are always happy ones
A place where all voices harmonize and compose into something bigger,
Greater...
Roots.
flat, stable enough to balance all of the elements of life previously too strenuous to withhold

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

remembering sassy

i feel like i can remember what you felt like
your persistence
your personality
the way your big green eyes looked like they encased puzzles
the way i could understand you
the way i ignored you
the way i let you be mistreated
the way you died
the way your nails felt when you wanted them to serve as reminders
your bad breath
your loyalty
your face
the way you died

Friday, November 23, 2012

had to repost here, thanks jaynee


dear samantha
i’m sorry
we have to get a divorce
i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
it’s not you
it sure as hell isn’t me
it’s just human beings don’t love as well as insects do
i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that… is dedication.
after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away
this is not true
after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
while he still has control over his motor functions
he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
spooning every morsel into her mouth
she wastes nothing
even the exoskeleton goes
she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
now that.. is selflessness
i could never do that for you
so i have a new plan
i’m gonna leave you now
i’m gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
i hope you do the same
i will jay walk at every opportunity
i will steal things i could easily afford
i will be rude to strangers
i hope you do the same
i hope reincarnation is real
i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
i hope we are reborn as flies
so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.” 
Jared Singer, An Entomologist’s Last Love Letter 

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Being

Happy with you takes away the rest
Being happy with you and
that's all I want,
All I need.
Being happy with you and
Nothing else.
Being happy with you and
Happier with you and
Happiest with you.
The end.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

ASB - homecoming week has come to an end

bittersweet
this week has been soooooooooooooooooo stimulating and exhilarating in every aspect
there was stress
there were laughs
there was drama
there were tears
there were outbursts, complaints,
and moments of complete serenity and accomplishment that made everything worth it.
i have spent this week with people i may, admittedly, hate sometimes but will love always.
I dont usually talk about ASB but honestly....
i feel so blessed to be able to experience everything ASB has to offer....
the responsibility and pressure makes high school worth it and something to look forward to.
i guess i have finally realized, and it feels weird to say, but i wouldn't be the same person without being a member of this group.
all the shit we go through, all the criticisms we endure, all the mistakes we make........ it all amounts to life lessons a regular student or athlete or theater geek or art fanatic may never acquire.

=]

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Tuesdays mistake (never cold)

I feel it
In the core of my body
Or maybe all throughout
It lives inside of me
Warm and present
growing a bit each day
I can feel it right now
Water collects, ready and
It speaks:
I'm here,
I'm real,
And I may never leave.
It lifts me up often so I feel as if I'm walking on the moon every morning, every afternoon
It makes me want to eat my least favorite foods and spray bleach on my little black dress,
Because it wouldn't matter.
Nothing matters except This.
Maintaining and embracing This.
A soft blanket to perfectly cover and wrap your insides
because
When you're in love,
you're never cold.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Distractions

Never any privacy
Never comfortable
Never truly at home

Just accepting what's here, trying to convince myself it's good enough. Trying to stay happy through other outlets. Trying to distract myself

Always just distracted.

But when everyone is asleep and in their own room and you're alone unsure of what to do or where to go.. with nothing left to do besides think... It's hard to ignore your misfortunes
and
It's even harder not to be sad

Monday, October 8, 2012

Saturday

Your mountains
My peaks
Each closer to the cloud we made together
I named it after how I felt
Everyday with you is a Saturday afternoon

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I'm tired now and am dreading my homework but damn you are worth it.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Stress is thrilling yet destructive yet motivational yet stress

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Stopped to ask myself how and why

I'm not sure if it's the things you did, the way you looked, or how you sent chills down my spine when we were alone. Maybe it was your personality?
Our similarities? Our differences? Our stubbornness? Maybe it's the way you acted after the first time you called me bitch, or maybe it was the way you felt after the first time you threw a pillow at my face a little too hard. It could have been when you shared your hot pocket even though you were unhappy with me. Or how you always get the water, turn off the light, and move the fan. Or maybe it's your willingness to do all three. How you offer me the last tortilla and when I say no you ask again. Coulda been dancing at the ucla party. Or dancing at Stephanie's quince or dancing in your room every time I don't want to sit anymore. How you asked that lady for money at in n out because I wanted fries. What you did for David at home depot. How you looked at me when you brought me shorts today. The face you make right before you're about to say something I'll pinch you for. How hard I laughed after you showed me that you didn't know what to say after Vargas acknowledged us. The mole on your ear. Remembering the very first floor sesh before we liked each other when you wouldn't give up Jessica's bean bag. The fucking way you mimicked Mexican dancing at neon nights and caused me to almost fall over from a lack of oxygen because I was laughing so hard. The look on your face after everyone got wet over the banner you made. The way you treated me that day I had really bad cramps. How you followed me to the water fountain. How you explained the failed voicemail for Diana. The way you always looked after us when we got a bit too careless. How you laughed at my jokes when we watched absentia.

Hi Torrance

Uneasy stomach
Trying to understand
Trying, doesn't hold much
You don't know
The power
If only you knew
Maybe then you would sing nicer songs
Softer, mellow melodies
At least now, while I'm
Uneasy, topics and faulty emotional ground
This half built foundation doesn't hold much and you're stomping around
Dead weight on my constant work in progress
Just let me finish building this porch
So you can walk there freely, when it's safe.
When it's ready
When I'm ready

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Confusion and questions

Need one another to exist.

I asked you for a sign last night, and I think you gave me one. And yet something is keeping my heart and my mind from peace. Now I need to pray for clarity.

"It used to be a big part of your life."
You're absolutely right. When I heard you say this my stomach dropped. I wasn't sure how to respond. I felt sad or maybe somewhat guilty... But I wasn't sure.. Of anything really. Where do I go from here? Am I making things up? All I know is I can't just sit idly by like I always do anymore.. It's unsettlingly and overwhelms me.
I have realized that ever since I was 13 faith has been a topic that comes in waves of different magnitudes, but never dissipates completely. Faith has been a topic, in my recent life, that seems to always sit patiently in the back of mind.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Update

School -
First couple weeks have been extremely easy.... trying to be a better student is way easier when you have depressingly easy classes..........

Recent Life -
The Highs-
enjoying myself tremendously
high school is fun, a fantasy, but profoundly enjoyable...
boyfriend
simple blessings
This past summer I think I've learned to adjust and adapt to shitty situations at least somewhat proactively
...rolling with the punches is an ever changing art form
shit happens
life happens
people change

The Lows-
not having a home, not having a place to call my own
feeling like a moocher
jaynee leaving to SF
summer ending
missing the careless days and nights
missing easy living

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

A(pathetic)merican society

Twice used greeted cards complete with empty wishes and cold cash,
Complacent receivers and complacent givers.
We all have our own agendas
Quietly convincing each other that good, is good enough.
That room temperature intentions can be dressed up real fancy like
Seemingly warm and half assed genuine.
Riding on hours of half filled buckets,
A two way tie of losers
Happily adequate
happily declining as long as self is happily semi-satisfied.
Custom license plates and fat dogs.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Bliss

Being able to do nothing with someone all day and yet being completely and utterly happy.
Just happy.
Genuinely fucking happy.
This, is bliss.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Paradoxes

What are numbers and why variables?
Numbers backed by nothing are just ambiguous sums.
Variables are always unknown ominous, sinister like the quiet people, who avoid eye contact, but want nothing more than what they are incapable of accepting.
The peculiar thing about variables, however, is that they can be found.
But numbers,
Numbers are already known.
Set in their ways,
Often only subject to change when touched by other numbers.
Numbers have to seek discovery through the validation and revelation provided by other various sums.
Whereas, variables are a mystery within themselves and must seek discovery within.
Really searching for each other.
People are numbers and variables.
People are slight paradoxes of the known and unknown.
Ambiguous and blatant.
Inconspicuous and obvious.
Ignorance and discovery.
People are numbers and variables, backed by nothing but their plights and experiences.
All in hopes that they might, one day, be part of a significant sum.

People watching (bored on the way to UCSB)

Trees,
lots of trees.
Cars,
too many cars.
Cars
Filled with
Picking nails
picking boogers
picking stations
All unaware of my existence
Feisty cold, bites soft.
Sleeping partners
Hollow friends
Street art
Ghetto Eloquence
Long bitch
Lost Angles
Solo riders
Sad bidders
Nail biters
Reflections effecting eye complexions
Sad iris temporary alteration
We're all just people on a freeway trying to get somewhere,
No interaction.
No reason to interact, and yet we have thousands of commonalities we will never address.
And that's it.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Portamento

I slept in your soft water,
Even your shallowest pool is deep.
Everything about it is flawed and yet my weaknesses fit nicely in them,
Like they were supposed to
Like they were meant to be
Surrounded tightly at first becoming accustom to your customs
You were a foreign language.
I was a naive tourist
Indecisive, tripping on small pebbles often, but you
You were loud music
not the kind trying to over power my self amplified tunes
The kind that complimented them
you knew how to keep a beat providing affirmation to even the shortest notes.
I smiled as I realized
You mastered the subtle uninterrupted type transition
From one tone to the next you took me on an adventure
In tune with each others' rhythm
There were brief moments when even we could not deny utter and complete unification,
We eventually learned to stop trying to deny anything at all.
We suspended our freewill in hopes of finding a more satisfying texture of freedom.
I like to think this was a good decision.
I like to think that we are flat footed soldiers running as fast as our capability permits along some shore complete with cold sand, convincing myself that our dirty feet will never stop moving, that our momentum will indefinitely withstand the friction and replenish our tired bodies because our souls remained ready and happy and satisfied and happy.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

murky water (nonsense @ 4 AM)

confusing strays and your fucked up ways
these are the days of mongoose tail chasing and light house light watching
hours of nothing
pure empty
like how i feel on quiet saturdays
modest tuesdays
two nights in a mausoleum
lost in hallways, complaints of silence
we only heard loose rumors of dust
we are lungs of no substance
pure empty
hours of nothing with
road way trails and upside down flying water
clouds will always be on the list
distilled air and stale water
we can share this sheet
happy and worthless
worthless but happy
skinny to the point of transparency but you were bliss,
full of artificial materials you
melted kindly in attempts to warm those who needed warmth
because that's who you are
you covered the globe with a struggle
finally managing to stretch gallantly
absorbing the seas reminding them they were once one body
you are good intentions and cheap fabric
scratchy but competent
searching for the first sign of even remote acceptance
hugging tightly to your prize
to your meaning and your limbs
waiting for the breakthrough
waiting for the answer
impatiently waiting for the ambiguous IT
finally joined by the absence of all existence
pure empty

Saturday, July 21, 2012

wait so



now what?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Things I find somewhat peculiar

Concepts
Mother's intuition
Correct guesses
Nonverbal communication
Innuendo
Progressive Technology
Dubstep
How the lint gets to the dryer's filter (in relation to laundry)
iPhone's
Flirting
Clouds
Raisins
Planes
Jellyfish

Death

Everything dies
Stars
Snails
Dads
Dogs
Infants
Grandmas
Sisters
Best friends
Teachers
Lovers
Even your local store clerk.

Life is so fucking short and there is nothing you can do about it. I think a lot of us live like we're going to be here forever. But you might die tomorrow. Shit we all might die tomorrow. I guess my point is you never know... Well actually I'm not sure if I have a point but this topic has been on my mind a lot lately... Being 16 is a fantasy
I don't really know anymore...........................................



how far is too far?
where's the line and how do I know when I've crossed it?
or is this truly ok

Monday, July 16, 2012

All means all

All dogs move on.
They love you to death when you're here, but when you're gone they move on. They move on maybe a little too fast, cold.
Your absence may confuse them for a day or perhaps only a few hours, but that's the extent of their mourning period. Regardless of how much time you've spent together. Regardless of how much you thought and swore it was real. Fuck, you might have thought it was infinite.

It wasn't shit.






Deuce deuce

Sunday, July 15, 2012

My weekend

Quince on Saturday with the Nino family was fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good company... Extremely welcoming company. Marco and I went HAM.. We deserve an award or something. Sunday (today) was unreal!!! Matisyahu an the OC with Jess was shiiiiick. Matisyahu is super hot by the way for anyone who didn't know...

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Nonsense at 530

Do you want to fly with me?
We can go to heights they thought they knew while we look down at the people we used to laugh with, the kids we used to know, the rats who fucked us over, the bitches who broke your heart, the clowns who were always too cool for us, and especially the mother fuckers who thought they were superior... Who's looking down on who now?


Deuce deuce

5:12 am

Come let me rest in your boat
Let me hide in your eyelids while you dream of the things you want to forget.
Wash me out when you're sad,
I've only heard soft whispers of emotion.
I'm looking for a place of rest
Let me stand on your peak.
I'll sleep tall with courage there and make friends with your friends
Invite me to your moon.
I'll help you move in a certain degree,
A sequence that's somewhere between you somewhere within me
Fuck this stress just fuck this all together... I can't wait till august

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The rotating fan analogy

When a rotating fan hits you it feels good. It feels refreshing, but it's never quite enough. One minute you're about to move away because you need something more reliable that's focused only on you but then it hits you again... The air hits you and you smile. You smile, but right before you reach the peak of your satisfaction it turns away and starts blowing someone else.... You know this and yet you don't move. Why?

Monday, July 9, 2012

Right now sucks

Can't sleep
Moderate heat
Controlled defeat
Cracked concrete

Can't sleep
Shady cheat
Who goes for cheap
And has smelly feet
Suck a nut
It's Monday
Night
Live

You suck

I want to throw you off a cliff and then help you back up again poison ivy stuck up and all around my skin walked through you mild exposure caused a reaction reminding us it's all about chemistry

Friday, July 6, 2012

all of these don't mix

second guessing
question asking
bad gut feelings
over analyzing
occasional bursts of indifference 
brief moments of clarity
and repeat

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Kevin messed me up on temple runner BUTT HURT PINCHE POST

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

you are poop

you are flowers.
sitting gently, quietly, and small-like maybe a little bit too feminine for your own good.
you are rusty gold.
rusty gold like stories once told but forgotten; overdone like your grandma's make up.
you are sleepy wood.
fuck the word wise.
wise for your days; only lightly aged
you always come through like the sun's rays
Marco's tongue tied sleepy and discouraged,
slow too like dial up internet on a mountain somewhere in Timbuktu.
Trying to create.
Silent and nervous waiting for the words to come shaking as if it was your first date.
Words won't come to mind
sitting as if it were supposed to be refreshed
like a past memory possibly rewind

i always write about the beach

washed up and crusty
burning, melting with the sand
we made the glass that we cut our feet on
silent in sweet pain
we started to fall asleep in each others palms
absorbing each others energy
i was confused
One tree does not amount to a forest, but three trees can easily feel like a family.

Monday, July 2, 2012

it will always be just this

and it's all okay
one day you might come to the realization that shit happens and you don't always have to front
people forget
and for those who remember 90% of them dont give fuck about you or your bum crew for longer than a minute
get over yourself
and get over this game of who's better than who.......
damn
grow up already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i mean really... why must you insist on getting everyone's approval?!!??!
you just want to be well liked
you are well liked
so now what??
you have to find a way to reinforce your insecurities?
why
i don't get it
you have too much potential to be doing this to yourself

Sunday, July 1, 2012

I don't miss you and I don't think about you. I can honestly say I am indifferent regarding your complete absence from my life. We haven't been friends for a long time, so why should we change that now? We aren't fooling anyone. You aren't fooling anyone.

Nonsense part 3 to be continued

Front yard stray-cats and social dogmas
If we are our friends why do I allow myself to be seen with you?
Too fucking scared to rep that crew
Underaged fools with half thought out agendas

Nonsense before a shower

Are you happy?
You have confused me.
Silent with your insults
You move me
Backward allies
slapped up failed rallies
You leave me broken battered stained
Don't console me
These sounds are all familiar
The lack of integrity in your words
This is all familiar
I hope you're happy.

nonsense at 4:31 am

indecisive traveler
you fucked over your neighbors
you don't know their names and you move carelessly
two steps on their grass
flattened brown blades reminding you of your lazy demeanor
you can't do shit
and you only care about yourself
idle driver
cruise control bitch 
you tell people to get a life 
while you're sitting around on your fat ass 
twiddling your thumbs in a counterclockwise pattern
exercising your capability of creating effective insults
saying words like preposterous to help yourself feel satisfied with your shit life
and your shit education
there will be a day
you just haven't provided your inferior brain enough time to process the realization that in fact it is you who needs to get a fucking life 

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Fuck

I'm beginning to question everything and I'm starting to freak myself out in regards to every aspect of life.... What next? now what? life is intimidating and all this shit they told me about when i was younger is starting to feel way too fucking real.. And my biggest fear is that I wont be able to handle even a fraction of it all...

Saturday, June 23, 2012

lone wolf

eek

why
cant
all
of
this
just
be
easy
and
simple
?
cause all i know is this shit whack



______
Summer has been................a short lived roller coaster. I have no perspective view of this summer.....  I need to set some goals, work out, get something substantial going.......... waking up and sleeping where and when ever I want to comes with its pros/cons...... idk I just hate the hassles and the confusions and the misunderstandings .................................................. money and how it is always an issue..... I just want to have fun I dont want to have to worry about this shit.................... FUCKing annoying

ps i still want somewhere to call home
pss now that my best friend has a boy to call her own and seeing her all happy makes me happy but it also makes me want a boy........ sad face discouraged face

discouraged

Friday, June 22, 2012

A word

where you be
why you always out
you never come around
drink some water
this aint a mother fuckin drought
leave your homies behind
fake status rewind
where you be and why you always out
and i dont think i have the time to try and figure all this shit out
you're a broken street light
mixed signals i can't see shit
blinded by the light
some old school shit
i thought you were cool
but now im not so sure
who you really be
and why are you so hard to read

Monday, June 11, 2012

where is MY heart

i just want a home
it can be simple
it can be small
i just want somewhere to be comfortable
somewhere close to my friends
somewhere i can be happy
a home

Friday, June 1, 2012

snack time

sometimes all i want to do is destroy
big brother
regulate
end this war
one bomb one drop
grimy like jaynees dubstep
we can start an arms race
end this war
my arms are weak and low
my body
limp and tired and frail
blows in the wind in fragments
next to your ignorance
your lies
your failures
they fill the sky like heavy gray clouds,
trash in this land fill
its been adding up and it is slowly starting to replace the spot where my compassion used to rest
bitterness is like the dirty water that poisoned our homeland
it flows and flourishes
mocking the person i used to be
you're losing your morals, your moral ground
cracked
i am fucking broken
done and finished
this shit will never be fixed
if i have one goal in my life it is to never
never end up like you
and when im gone
feel free to eat your mother fucking heart out

Monday, May 28, 2012

why the fuck does it have to go down like this................

IM
FUCKING
CONFUSED..........

i cant even answer a direct question

lul
this is funny
but its not
i wish i knew what i wanted
but i dont
this is fun
but it really isnt
not at all
tell me why
FUCK THIS
w
h
y
why why why
WHY
why
why
WHY
why
why
why
why
why
........................................no really
............
why?

Saturday, May 12, 2012

because if i dont write this shit down ill forget forever.......and that would be sad

foreal foreal foreal foreal doe
small eyes marco 
yoda robert
ghetto ass kevin always threatening to fuck me up......lul
jessica my ride or die girl el oh el srsly doe
kevins crazy ass dog sparkles or some shit........penny HENNY
tallys
mickey mouses everywhere
hands
warm faces
the deliberation over whether our eyelashes were real or fake......
kevin always flicking me off.....
when i was hating on robert
tweets
omg.....standing on the bed and being like you see how tall i am or something el oh el
marco telling me i was smart and that my eyelashes were "big"
OUR FIRST HUG EVER!!!
crazy dancing with jessica at whacked out dance marathon...damn WHACKED OUT theres no better way to describe it!!!
fighting for the liquid nitrogen
feeling like i was in a ghetto ass movie walking with marco and kevin....bizzness through a popped out window screen
seeing kids from elementary such a weird feeling
jessica and i always going in the bathroom and talking like it was soundproof we sho dum doe
biting
when i made marco wash my hands
jessica and robert dancing shooo effing cute i swear
when marco and i just kept going back and forth pretending to salsa
when kevin would keep getting mad for a quick sec and would be like fuck all you guys foreal or some shit fuck you and fuck you and then he would go under the blankets and pout and then start rapping some ganster shit again...lul ...lul
making kevin braid my hair...twice...
jessicas "." fiasco
skipping to the pink sparkly
kevin believing that my nails were natural
stfu
poke poke poke poke joke joke joke
kevins crazy ass driving
serious boy
depressed boy
damn twinkle toes
marcos first tally was like half a cup full
jessica leaving her books at the mall
bitch im on that loner
play 35 seconds
secret poems
rubby dubby dubby

Thursday, May 10, 2012

damn i thought i was ok until i accidently called out for you and realized a second later you weren't going to come running to me
sometimes its hard to understand other people

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

free stye

when you said i was weird i didnt believe you until now lets take a ride on a mother fuckin ancient dhow like two people pretending to be chiniese traders trying to escape the modern day haters, finding joy in simple pleasures this was the way its supposed to be real time hopefully you wont leave like the rest monopoly quiet time on our porch that doesn't exist yet fantasy

interesting thought.. when i write and it mentions another person or a "you" its never about someone in particular and that reminds me of my research topic.... art doesnt have to have an underlying meaning it can just be art and any references can just be coincidental. not in every case obviously but im just saying it is possible........ not everything i write is about someone or an event sure im inspired by shit i learn or shit people tell me
__
note to self i just remembered how my 5th grade teacher used to put up a writing prompt each day and we would write it in our journals to be cool i wish i kept that journal i would give anything to see it for even five minutes.... the only thing i remember writing was a story about how one day on my way to school there was a dead mouse outside of our front door but i called it a rat and lied about other shit to make it interesting
good times in 5th grade
is it weird that i feel like i've entered a whole new stage of life now..... i finally feel like im growing up...my original family pets are both dead.....

i love you and miss you brandy....you've been there since i was 4 and you're the best true homie i could ever have..... i mean you were*





=[

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

why did you leave me now? and why cant i stop crying? i thought i was going to be fine but you left me and you took a part of me with you. i guess i knew this day was coming sooner than later but i didnt know it would be so soon. not TODAY, but it was today. you left me today. where are you and am i going to see you again? im confused and i just want you back. i love you so much. my whole body aches. right after i found out you were gone the only thing i could do was lie on the floor and cry. i remember when i used to lie on the floor with you. i remember i used to pet you for hours even though you smelt bad and then i smelt bad but it was fine because i loved you and you loved me and then we smelt bad together. i remember when i used to lay down right next your face and then you would put your head on my head and we would nap together, that was when i was happiest because i knew i was making you happy. i remember when i got mad at you for stealing and eating my bagel but now all i want to do is say im sorry for yelling and make you two more. i remember how you would always beg for my food and i would never give you any now all i want to do is share with you. mostly i want to share more time with you, but if food means i get to see again i can bring food. ................... .......................................... but you're really gone arent you? you're really gone and you arent coming back.

Monday, May 7, 2012

help - read aloud

sitting here with people who dont know shit cause you dont know shit and you wont be there when I dont know shit
in reality all we wanna do is quit
what the fuck is this? why do you call me miss?
missed hit relaxed fit relapsed dip get me the fuck out of here
 whats goin on? [and why are all our complaints in anon?
omous] im just trying to move on and im not trying to stay long but
i
dont
want
to
leave.
dry heaves loose leaves im nervous
 im just trying to learn something and im just trying to be something anything tell me what the fuck im supposed to do tell me what im supposed to be tell me anything i want to hear your voice . . . are you even listening? h e l p

Sunday, May 6, 2012

in other news

what is life what matters what am i doing why am i doing what im doing what am i doing sometimes i feel alone but at the same time i dont want any company i feel unmotivated i want to cry im sad but im not sad im happy but im not happy what is this what matters ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Some say jessica and i are boy crazy. Except jessica gets all the boys, and I'm just left with the crazy.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

recently

my time has consisted of ASB and class committee events and prom
but most of my time is spent hanging out with jessica y marco because theyre the bestest
just wanted to post about how cool they are

Friday, April 13, 2012

past few days consisted of...

i fucking love my home girl jessy
and my homeboy marco
and my homie summer
and .......k......jk*

_______
-porkchops
-suck and blow
-"kevin" "ya" "..........." "kevin" "ya" ".........." "kevin" "ya" "............" kevin" YA" "............................." "............................" "kevin"
-PEBBLES aka mancolah
-italia
-baja blast
-my bamf commentary
-pork chops
-absentia
-wool flannels
-chatroulette
-snooping yexts
-SO SHITTY
-jessica's extreme razor-ing
-bug bites from jessicas dumbass carpet
-dead phones
-spanish project videos with asian boys
-donut shop talk
-im so chill
-beat boxing
-nail polish
-tickling
-jessica when we first started to play S & B
-SHNUK SHNUK

Thursday, April 12, 2012

freestyle experiment

savage beasts
non existent peace
inhumane mother fuckers
you said you'd be back by now
why did you leave
dont come back
your intentions are fucking whack
loud grumpy and growling, crispy
like an old washed out Cadillac
dirty and discolored
floating, disdained like a long
drawn out reign
queen victoria's secret was she slept around
with king louis' 14th grandson
nothing can ever be undone
fuck you









..............bitches

Sunday, April 8, 2012

im so indecisive
it's sickening

Saturday, April 7, 2012

to the boys "in" my life

to boy a - you have no game WHATSOEVER
to boy b - you're too old
to boy c - you're famous and dont know my name..so im giving up on you
to boy d - at this point in time there's too much sexual tension between us..but i dont doubt we'll be together eventually...maybe.... at some point

Thursday, April 5, 2012

my blog is buck af right now.....
dracula

mind full of regrets
body full of toxins
life full of conflicts
future, pure uncertainty
i dont know
how to feel
right now
que the sad songs
crack open dracula
i feel like reading
i feel like getting away
this break is greatly needed


http://www.opendrive.com/files/NF8xMzk3OTM4XzFLOEU0/trevor%20hall%20-%20well%20i%20say%20-%20with%20lyrics.mp3

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

sick af
nothing new

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

let me do my thing
set it up


im not sure if im content with how things are going or just plain indifferent

Monday, April 2, 2012

keeping it real
is
a
fucking must
you're a fucking bust





bye

Sunday, April 1, 2012

sometimes i feel

unwanted
but then again sometimes i feel wanted
sometimes i feel unwanted by the people i want to be wanted by the most
sometimes i feel too wanted by the people i want to be wanted by the least
so please just tell me
do you want me or not?

i have no

sense of direction

Monday, March 26, 2012

I want my husband to have known he was going to marry me after the first day meeting me......

#unreasonableexpecations

Thursday, March 22, 2012

knocking knees

my hands are shaky
my legs are waking noodles
come here touch my tummy
full of caterpillars
your warm contact, that spark of life
instant
essential
resuscitators.
a swarm of butterflies flew from my belly button
all green, looking like four leaf clovers
hovering over our heads, collectively on the ceiling
reminding you
were about to get lucky

Sunday, March 18, 2012

all the world's a stage

i found out i'm nothing but cold
remnants to your collection
a single smudge in your inspection i
thought this was real
the real deal that
one time love my
sister reads about in her novels with the colorful covers.
i wanted to be a colorful novel with you,
were able to read me like i book
and i sat there and marveled at the sound
your voice makes me
puzzled but intrigued, concentrating hard
on the soft hums im hearing, like a child
in class wanting to be like the smart kids able
to comprehend able to understand so
i pretended, i was good at pretending.
i think you finally caught me
you asked me to stop acting, to be real
you begged me to stop acting
but all i could do was stare at you blankly
and ask how?

Saturday, March 17, 2012

I want everything.
...Realistically, to be fair, I want many things.
Why is it so hard to have everything you want?
I have so many areas of interest and it's so hard to stay 100% committed to everything I love doing....
why
why







why

Monday, March 5, 2012

the red queen effect

the support on my shoes are running thin
the wholes on the soles
are threatening to those lost
wandering, uncertain
like the rest of us
we keep running because we dont know what else to do
if there is even anything else to do

Thursday, March 1, 2012

i feel so empty and yet so full

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

thoughts

cant decide if the world is big or small.
feels intimidatingly small.... and then
sometimes i visit google maps just to remind me how wrong i am.
there is a world full of people out there.
people who don't know of my existence or my family's or my history or my name.
people who don't know about my city, my town, my county, maybe even my state.
it's crazy how engulfed i have become in my life.
in the simple aspects of it all....
school, homework, friends, sleeping, eating, computer, tv.
i have done nothing worth any serious honorable mention, and although i know i'm young it feels a little uncomfortable knowing just how easily and quickly my name could fade.
feeling as if im a robot falling some sort of "correct" routine.
i know school is supposed to prepare you for your future, but all it has been doing recently has been keeping me busy. keeping me occupied. keeping me stressed and exhausted.
sometimes i dont have time to think .... really think. any free time is spent on the computer or watching tv or talking to a friend or scrambling around cute boys.
my life is full of distractions and writing a simple thoughtful blog has been out of the question recently...
i dont know, i guess i have come to the realization that life moves so fast, sometimes it's difficult to get past the everyday normal bare-minimum type thinking and really think.... genuinely think about what i have been spending all my time on and whether it's really worth it. or more so just to give myself a chance to look at the big picture. i think this is an aspect people often forget to do; giving yourself time to look at the big picture.
whatever your big picture is.
regardless of whether you're able to see it clearly... or even at all.
everyone needs at least five minutes a day to turn off their routine and think
think outside the box society provides for us.....
a box full of distractions meaningless tasks; entertaining they may be... but it's time to recycle

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

unthinkable

moment of honesty
someones got to take the lead tonight
who's going to be?

i was wondering maybe could i make you my baby

either way im saying
if you ask me, im ready.

if we're going to do something bout it, we should do it right now.

______
stuck in head.
too much hw im going vomit
needa clean it up
ima use some comet
get ready bitches
this aint a mutha fuckin sonnet
oh
sik wid it



haha

Monday, February 27, 2012

why is everything so difficult?
why is everything so time consuming?
why am I always so tired?
why cant summer be year round?
im confused
wait am i really confused?
me?
confused.....
no.
yes?
i dont know....





























whatever

Sunday, February 26, 2012

so many split ends
sitting on your shoulders
taunting us,
teasing us
this is a joke
be gone
three snips
the end
too many split ends
why cant you get your shit together
try
do something
so many fucking split ends
tie them back together or cut them off
i want your hair to keep growing
long and fruitful
shining and proud
i want you to be proud.
ambitious.
like caesar
i want a fucking riot of people to scream your name
in damnation or love
loud.
at the top of their lungs,
louder.
we never finished anything
and yet you sit her blatantly naive
like the trees we carved half our names in
they had no idea of our injustice
where did you go?
there are wholes in your shoes
and stitches in the pants you gave me

Friday, February 24, 2012

tired, tired, go away, never fucking come back or I'll sleep all my days away......
parents aren't fighting, parents are fighting, parents aren't fighting, parents are fighting. yes, no, yes, no, fighting, best friends, fighting again, best friends yesterday, and today my dad left

Monday, February 13, 2012

im drowning

rescue me from this pool of complete and utter indifference.....
or don't.
I could care less either way.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

lip sync season over....
i feel as if high school is ending way too fast.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

sun burnt face.
unfinished homework.
upset stomach.
chill music.
lazy attitude.
tired eyes.
tired soul.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

such nerves

we always beg each other
such nerves.
no one ever understands,
we do.
toppling over each other sometimes like monte and his betrayer,
people dont understand how we work,
like two high mountains, each of us thinking the other is taller,
sometimes we choke, pass out from the thin air,
until we are reduced to rubble, silent,
ears against a sea shell we hear the silent buzz of our freedoms,
jealousy of the masses.
people want what we have, never regarded,
thrown back to the sea.
a sound clap and suddenly it's sinking under the chaos of the waves,
lower it goes with each second,
and as it descends through the constant fight of the ocean
we walk on,
we leave our footprints gently pressed in the sand,
but even those too will soon be gone.
unfamiliar feelings
all stem from this indifferent boredom.
new feelings,
new faces,
they, excite things for a moment
and then they become just another ripple kissing the shore
why do i always find myself
pushing them back as if i'm in search of more
wondering if or when i'll ever be satisfied
even for a while,
even for...

i'm bored again.

Friday, January 27, 2012

sometimes you just have to let your frustrations out

Cold houses lacking both spouses.
This is not uncommon now.
Our government relies on the idle minds of the masses.
Fast paced lifestyles, multiple distractions,
Multitasking hinders a person's ability to think.
This is a fact.
Our busy lifestyles fuel the power of the hidden elite.
I think it's time we go on a treasure hunt bitches.
Return these motherfuckers to the bottom of the sea.
They belong in the deepest depths,
kept away from any presence of light.
Unfilled ballots, ignorance calloused.
Any bit of indifference or neutrality does nothing.
Does nothing, but negatively effect us majority.
We all have voices and yet those privileged to speak are saying nothing.
This is not uncommon now.
We all have voices.
This is a fact.

nonsense

Chipped Nail-polish on a two time recovering Alcoholic.
This is our nation.
A pack of cigarettes in the pocket of a homeless man.
This is our nation.
Scripted reality shows.
This is our nation.
Kids doing community service only to receive another hour on their sheet.
This is our nation.
Mothers throwing their kids off of skyscrapers.
This is our nation.
You have dreams of people you glanced at on the freeway for a fraction of a second.
Why them?
Conspiracies still unsettled.
Building Seven's debris, families, victims, and all has been swept under the rug.
A lump in plain sight.
A mountain on a plate of clear horizon.
A fucking black whole in the middle of time square.
We must all be blind.
This is our nation.

potential(ly chronic)

blue days and blue nights.
old ways and school fights.
back yard pussies and sad plights,
our world is consumed.
one frequency, producing similar readings to those of high-scale earthquakes.
we are an overpopulated nation with not enough emergency kits to go around.
grab your jogging shoes people because it is now survival of the fittest.
today a bee landed in my hair,
it stayed there. buzzing.
it didn't sting me, it just wouldn't move,
it became content I suppose, comfortable.
so it remained in the safety of my waves,
and continued to buzz.
a stranger had to shake it free, and
reluctantly it set off,
fast,
Away.
Never to be seen again.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Please don't try to serenade me. I am a one man band.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

the girls lose another one

that awkward moment when you find out someone super hot is gay and you want to cry
....girls need to stop being needy bitches so we dont turn off more boys.......

just saying...............

Monday, January 23, 2012

dgafing on finals.......
Can I just say......a boy who can skateboard is soooo sexy........ especially if you look like Emile Hirsch

Thursday, January 19, 2012

i always live near donut shops, but ill never live as close to one as i did yesterday

Donuts only come in big pale pink boxes.
Pale pink boxes filled with a bunch of donuts.
Only with two which are acceptable.
The rest are ones I do not like, even though I have never tried them before I know I do not like them,
It's filled with a bunch of donuts I know I don't like before I've even had them
I am happy with my new home. Things are going to better here. More stable, more consistent. I'm in dire need of some consistency right now.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

this time is different

moving is a pain in the ass.
moving is a hard process.
moving is whack as fuck.
all in all, i hate moving.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Sore necks and nipples. I still dont know how to whistle.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Not having internet at your own house sucks a big fat nut.