Monday, November 30, 2009

Dragging your feet.

This week sure is lagging. It's only Monday. The freak.. it needs to be Friday. Now. Yeah, it does.

so funny its not.

I had so much work tonight. I didnt really have that much, it just seemed like it because I waited so long to do it. This is what happened today: I got home, I slept. I wake up for dinner. I eat dinner. I icecream and caked it after singing my sister happy birthday. I watch a little star trek, and then go upstairs to "do" my homework. Ended up "working" at the computer table, ended up not working. Ended up talking on the phone, and getting one problem done in like 2 hours. Pathetic. Made myself just finish everything. Came back to the computer. LimeWired it, and now I'm here. Going to add a new profile song. I'm bored. Tomorrow I'm going to barnes and noble to get a book I'm actually interested in. I'm going to do some online shopping. I'm also going to order 2 copies of elephant eyelash. XCited.
I'll think I'll be getting a book about:
A geological group who drilled a hole about 14.4 kilometers deep in the crust of the earth are saying that they heard human screams. Screams have been heard from the condemned souls from earth's deepest hole. Terrified scientists are afraid they have let loose the evil powers of hell up to the earth's surface.

'The information we are gathering is so surprising, that we are sincerely afraid of what we might find down there,' stated Dr Azzacov, the manager of the project in remote Siberia.

'The second surprise was the high temperature they discovered in the earth's center. 'The calculations indicate the given temperature was about 1,100 degrees Celsius, or over 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit,' Azzacov pointed out. 'This is far more then we expected. It seems almost like an inferno of fire is brutally going on in the center of the earth.

'The last discovery was nevertheless the most shocking to our ears, so much so that the scientists are afraid to continue the project. We tried to listen to the earth's movements at certain intervals with supersensitive microphones, which were let down through the hole. What we heard turned those logically thinking scientists into a trembling ruins. It was a sometimes a weak, but high pitched sound which we thought to be coming from our own equipment,' explained Dr Azzacov.

'But after some adjustments we comprehended that indeed the sound came from the earth's interior. We could hardly believe our own ears. We heard a human voice, screaming in pain. Even though one voice was discernible, we could hear thousands, perhaps millions, in the background, of suffering souls screaming. After this ghastly discovery, about half of the scientists quit because of fear. Hopefully, that which is down there will stay there,' Dr Azzacov added.

'What really unnerved the Soviets, apart from the voice recordings, was the appearance that same night of a fountainhead of luminous gas shooting up from the drill site, and out of the midst of this incandescent cloud pillar a brilliant being with bat wings revealed itself with the words (in Russian): 'I have conquered,' emblazoned against the dark Siberian sky.

'The incident was absolutely unreal; the Soviets cried out in terror,' says Mr. Nummedal. Later that night, he saw ambulance crews circulating in the community. A driver he knew told him that they had been told to sedate everybody with a medication known to erase short term memory. The Soviets use this drug in the treatment of shock victims.

* * * * * * *

Dr. Azzacove "As a communist I don’t believe in heaven or the Bible but as a scientist I now believe in hell," said Dr. Azzacove. "Needless to say we were shocked to make such a discovery. But we know what we saw and we know what we heard. And we are absolutely convinced that we drilled through the gates of Hell!"

Dr. Azzacove continued, ". . .the drill suddenly began to rotate wildly, indicating that we had reached a large empty pocket or cavern. Temperature sensors showed a dramatic increase in heat to 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit."

"We lowered a microphone, designed to detect the sounds of plate movements down the shaft. But instead of plate movements we heard a human voice screaming in pain! At first we thought the sound was coming from our own equipment."

"But when we made adjustments our worst suspicions were confirmed. The screams weren’t those of a single human, they were the screams of millions of humans!

* * * * * * *

Do you know why Jacques Costeau, the famous underwater explorer, quit deep sea diving sometime before he died? It is said that he stopped because he had heard in one of the underwater caves he was exploring, the sounds of people screaming.

There was also another time, when one of his men, who was in a diving bell in the deepest trench at the Bermuda Triangle, also had a similar experience. He signaled to be brought up immediately. After being revived from his shock, he told others of his frightening experience of hearing "Screams of people in pain".

Should be good, I forgot the title of it, going to have to find it tonight. There might be no time for a nap tomorrow. I'm going to take a shower and hit it early tonight. I have to finish writing a rough draft tomorrow. People need to talk to me.
-I love pleasent surprises, especially when they're presents with no occasion, or phone calls from someone I haven't talked to in a while.
-You're so chill, and you work at disneyland! Cant wait to hangout soon.
-Found my old post about the book, it's called "beyond death's door". Xcited.
-I want to meet you two, I've heard good things about you. Xcited.
-cant wait for your clothing line and my personal 'oh my shit!' shirt. and golden. and imbie. and sup now. and you know who better not steal these.
-You're soooooooosoososo sexy.
-I close your aim section so I dont see your sn.
-We will you know what with you know who soon enough.
-I want to go get a book as an excuse to get pink berry.
-I wasnt bored watching my basketball team play. Those 25 minutes went by fast, emely is actually really talkative. People just need to give her a chance. I'm glad I did.
-It was refreshing to talk to you on the phone last night, after not talking to you in the longest time. I know you noticed I'm smarter with my arguments. I'm not sure if you liked it. Probably not, but one this is for sure, you were caught off guard.
-You'll be surprised I wont be asking what you're doing this weekend. You'll try to make me feel bad for having plans. wont work.
-Tomorrow I'm taking a survey on the top 3 songs to be played at the dance, I want to write warp 1.9 each survey I do, so it's guaranteed to be played. That might not be needed, because I'm going to make sure it's played!!! I will come through. Yes yes.
-I'm really happy you left me an i miss you comment, because I really do miss you back. We will disney date forsure.
-We will win, in time. I will win, in time. How epic it will be, when your days have came and went. You're eyes will all roll, you'll be undecisive for once in your life. I'll have nothing but confidence. When that day comes where I'm right and your wrong. I won't remind you about it. I won't need to. I won't tease you about it. I won't need to. Because what's going to go on in your head will be 10times worse then anything I could tack to words.


Sunday, November 29, 2009



I fucked up my knee, it hurts like a bitch. No medicine. No medicine. This one is going to be bruised like the bitch it is. ugh, bread was good though. pizza was too, except not really.

Family Sport day. Forget the flags #nbd.

Pretty much my rock:

Oh yeah i forgot to mention went to church with this lady today.

99 red balloons go by

I'm up, I'm here. I'm home after 5 minutes of sleep and all smiles's house. We were scandalous. I might go back to sleep. I like the fact that I got up early, but there was a purpose. I don't think this purpose is going to be carried out after all. Should have known. I day dreamed for all im worth on the way home today, that's what 80's hits do you.

to bad.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Pure right down to the tag.

I actually have a favorite song now. I'm excited. And no its not this song. Keeping this piece of my soul secret for the special people in my life.

Woke up early today. Played live. Beat a campaign in 46 minutes with 3 british boys. I know they thought I was good for a girl. Booobooo; that's just how i do.
Riding bikes was a good work out. My muscles in my legs came alive. Yay. Rugby this tuesday. I'm genuinely excited. Tonight was fun, interesting to see people in different environments. Shows peoples' true colors by how fake they can be. Thanks to everyone who cares. You mean a lot to me, more then you know.

-I'm glad you saw my moment of vulnerability and jumped at the chance to cheer me up. I'm sorry I didn't let go of your hand. You are just to sweet to let slip through my fingers. You liked that I liked it. ;D
-I pulled you in closer then you expected. I can tell you like the unexpected. What can I say? I spell unexpected. We had a moment. ;P (orange soda)
-{im sorry i really dont use smilies but its the best way i can describe how i felt @ the moment without writing you a book}
-I have to deal with being second, you really are the cutest, i love you boy!
-There's a part of me that really wants to go to a rave, I actually really like hard techno, [nodrugs(gross)]. I just want to go to dance. In the mean time I'll just host my own dance partys with Carolina.
-so excited for the mish
-I want to talk to you, but I'm not going to call. It's also cause I'm not done with your birthday present, but you dont have to know about that.
-A great example of the techno music i like is the song on this post. watcha think?
-Christmas is right around the corner.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

keep me here ill kiss you there

i almost died trying to keep myself from adding this one song that i have to keep underwraps to my myspace profile. ugh!!!!!

i might do it, i might do it.

im cold

on my own, here we go.

I need company.

Just another sunday paddle boat ride..

I don't think I'll be doing anything this ThanksGiving. Just another Holiday down the drain, just another holiday curse, just another year, just another fucked up memory, just another all talk no walk, just another repeat of everything ive been trying to hide, just another hopeless teenager's problem that you think im overreacting to, just another lonely day, just another cry with no noise, no blinking, just tears.

I'm over this fucking family drama. This is a waste of my time, I just wish I had something better to. I would ride my bike straight down westminster to get to 2nd if I had a helmet and if Carolina was home. She's not, she's in the ghetto and I can't ride my bike to compton. It's sad I can't even go to my own family's thanksgiving celebration, and we didnt even get invited to the other side's celebrations. I went so far as to ask them to drop me off at my aunts. To much to ask I guess. My mom wants to go eat at marie calanders, because "we have to eat somewhere". I just stayed silent.

I played live again, this time my teammates sucked. I saved our campaign single handedly. Good for my rep. MickBrutal owns.

Can someone cheer me up, Julio's bulliton worked for like 2 minutes, haha.


I kinda got carried away with xbox live. This time I played with my sister, Canada, and England. My sister sucks, Canada was pretty good all around, England was soo funny and always revived everyone, and I was the headshot leader. They started calling me California when Mary went idle, (I say i-deal and Mary gets so angry). My neck won't crack in the right places! Good sleep.

My favorite time to be alive.

First off, Happy Thanksgiving. And a quick update on my finger, it's all better. Didn't take medicine. Awh, dontcha ya love the power of prayers..

Yeah, this song grew on me.

Today Tightings-
All I remember:
Woke up late, (i don't even care anymore). Rode bikes like a pro, I need a more legit bike. Fuck Cruisers. I dont think the clock is moving. Hooked up XBOX live. sooosososoosososoos fun. Easier then I thought, and I'm pretty good with other people who have mics. A couple of cool gamers from Texas and Florida. I call the people I play with by their state names. I get a month of live play free. I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow, and what im going to wear. I need to make a call soon. Then I'll probably play some more live. Hm, hm , hm . hmmmmmm

I'm a white chocolate mocha kind of girl.

ps. when i say i, i mean we [carolina]

Well no one answered my calls so I'm back. I should be mad about it, but I laughed about it instead. Is this good? It can't be bad. I guess I'm used to it, ahahahaha. Pretty Hypocritical. I still am doing this water kick. I think it's going to last for the rest of my life. I'm not even tempted to drink soda anymore. My phones battery is pretty pathetic now. I screwed it up. Over charged at first, and now I don't charge enough. My bad.

I'm done.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Monday's Thoughts

School, easy.

Nap, delicious but not satisfying.

Shopping (on a mission and saw the goal), eventful.

Homework, easy.

Writing 22 reasons with a sprained finger, super challenging.

Being the first to wish Rocky a happy birthday, hard. I was technically the first one to SAY happy birthday to him, so I win. I win.

Independent Bible Study, great.


I thought I dislocated my finger and unintentionally relocated it right after playing basketball, but now i'm pretty sure it's just a sprain. It's hurts. Therefore, typing this hurts. Dedication. What hurt worse was writing 22 reasons and rewriting a bible verse because I liked it so much, up later. My contacts are hazing up. [Carolina]Now every time I get coffee I get white chocolate mocha, so good. Every coffee brew house is pretty consistent with the goodness factor on this drink. Cashing my check tomorrow, (hopefully). I don't know what I'm going to do with 5k. I guess I'll start with Christmas gifts. All in all, I know I'm going to save most of it. I'll probably end up helping pay rent or something when we move. I'm fine with it. I honestly don't need much. I'm not to fussy. I'm constantly striving for opportunities to improve myself as a human being, and I don't think being greedy would go well on my book. I'm slowly reconnecting with Jesus, because I did get lazy and feel a little out of touch. The thing that sucks about losing touch and that closeness, is that each time you lose it, it's harder to get back. I deserve the extra effort though. It's not a punishment. Just another opportunity..

yep thats the hand-finger, this time buddy taping didnt come through. sprains hurt worse than fractures, they're just less of a hassle. Stupid Sprain. Stupid pain. I'm not going to take medicine. I'm not going to take medicine. I'm not going to take medicine.

Happy Birthday Rocky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No birthday curse this year.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Sunday Feelings:

I just got a text saying, "Wat?" . Then I said "Who's this" and they said "sorr wrng numba" .

I watched New Moon, it was better than Twilight and it still sucked....hard. Don't waist your money. Playing tag in bella terra, that's 2 miles this week. Tag was fun. More later im just dying for a post.

Yeah, I'm a twih8r . a big one. try me,

Saturday, November 21, 2009

so far saturday

Watched Star Trek, impressed. I loved it!!

Live Long and Prosper.

Don't use the past to comment on the present
Because tomorrow I'll do better than you've ever seen
And I will ignore the lines that you have drawn
For along them I could never walk upon

*I act like I doubt it, but I'm nothing without it.

Friday, November 20, 2009


Do the friday dance,

if you want the defintion of me in a picture : V

Monday, November 16, 2009

this hand was meant to hold

have you ever really danced on the edge?

Today: Freeloaded to the max. Finished writing the script for upcoming video assignment, I wonder how it's going to turn out.. The script looks good, but can we pull it off? Took a nap, ate pizza crust, and finshed homework while singing along to Why? Today was alright. Just another Monday, one down 1648 days to go.

Why did you, why did you ascend alone? Could I make, could I make it on my own?

always and never

Its getting a little late, and my hair is almost completely dry. I don't want to sleep yet, making a playlist for an upcoming mix. It's going to be good. Today was lazy. I want a back massage. Haha, I'm going to add new song, I've been holding off for a while but I think it's time.

-Remind me about Christmas.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

part of me is gone,

you've taken pieces of my heart. never looking back,

never looking back.

Friday-Saturday, over already? They were great! I love my bestfriends.
Friday:(day)doing military discipline drills because we talked. fun stuff ! (night)Long conversations in front of indie coffee shops. heart to hearts before sleeping just because the bed was warm. taking showers at 3am. Going on a killing cockroaches mission; with you being the raid master, and with me being a samaria- broom&febreeze warrior. Delirious talks and delirious laughs. I can't forget our spaghetti tacos, those were down.
Saturday: Sleeping in a bit, because we deserved it. Getting "up", talks in socks. Finding something to do, and getting ready in record speed. Out the door, and in another. Watched 'another teen movie', ate some chips. stopped by andrews for CODMW2. got some gas and came home. beat each other up for my phone (lasted forever but was the highlight of my stay). played some co-ap CODMW2. 555 deal. ride home. long hugs because were thugs. gathered up my stuff. talked some more. and i was out the door yet again.


My feet are cold and im hungry. I feel disconnected because no one is replying to me, maybe ill just play amateur surgeon when im done with this. I need to pee but i don't want my barefeet to touch the tile, they can't handle such extreme temperature changes. I really want to add certain songs to my profile but I don't because of me and Carolina's promise to each other. My stomach muscles are sore, and everytime I change positions or laugh it hurts. I can't remember the last time I've been sick. I guess I can now see where people come from when they say I don't believe in medicine. They really aren't that crazy.

-You do care! Just when I wasn't sure, you freaked. Haha, yes. Prayers never fail me. :]
-Remind me to add 'Last Christmas' on christmas eve.
-Remind me to delete texts you want private.
-Remind me not to slow my pace because people can't keep up.
-Remind me to ask Rocky to take me on a hike.
-Remind me to get started buying his birthday presents.
-Remind me to update my iPod.
-Remind me not to put the phone on speaker next time, this time I'll leave you wondering.
-Remind me to never end on a bad note and to always hug you like its that last time I'll see you.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

because as of right now

if anyone wants to hangout tonight/tomorrow, let me know!!!


Monday, November 9, 2009

home with on a saturday night, with all my doors locked up tight.

I made a cute little theme song for our show. It's down.
"You're an idiot.
You're an imbie.
You're a POS.
and you're just plain.....stupid."
Sounds brilliant, i just forgot the jingle. whoopsies . good thing carolina has a memory longer than an hour. I'm going to ask to change math teachers, i have a feeling i'll understand a lot better in Roehling's class then Flack's, even if I do have to deal with 7th graders, and might not have as much time to sleep, it'll all be worth it. I dont want to have to retake the class, not because i failed, just because that's average. I'll ask tomorrow. I have to give a speech thing tomorrow, writing it was like my only homework. not sure what im going to do tomorrow night/wes. no school wednesday. im excited. i was thinking disney but everyone and their brother is going to be @ disney.
My weekend was awesome, Jaynee is a sweet girl. carolina and our random rave dancing cravings. interesting if you ask me, fun if you ask me. prepare for a new episode. I don't know where my ipod is, this is not good, i miss it. =/ it's only been missing for like two days but still. my nap today was as good as usual, i think its because my pillows were arranged like shit, but i was to lazy move them. it's that thing where you think about doing it, end up falling asleep, and wake up annoyed. my eyes scream run away, my heart screams get closer, my gut feeling says stick around and see what happens, i say i dont have time. my life says i do. i do, i will, ill chill.
Next year I'll be able to answer you honestly. yikes; its unnatural how much i can't wait. my hands are losing feeling, and it's still early. my point was, even after that nap, im as tired as ever. only one person called me back, dinner wasnt good, my eyes burn, my back hurts, and i dont want to move. it sucks knowing you'll never get what you want, but it really doesnt. what really sucks is you have no idea about anything. just faith. just faith, and hang on to yours as tight as you can, white knuckle it and don't let them pry your fingers from it. your faith is one of the most valuable things you can have. and people and devils and things and life and the world is going to try to slowly take it from you, sometimes they succeed and rip you of all of your faith. but please please as long as your still breathing, living you can take it all back. every ounce of it. get it back. get it back, and do it as fast as you can.

-jaynee, that pizza we had was really good. i want it back.
-can someone warm my hands/feet up. thanks.
-who wants to come over and play l4d, just for that sole purpose. people discourage me.
-you think im some music expert, you should really meet my friends. (the ones worth meeting of course)
-listening to the audition, i forgot about them, they good stuff.
-pretty soon, i'll filter some of you out. those that don't talk, will walk. those that don't stop, i got them on lock.
-it's top late, i think the tide has come to wash you out. wash you away from him.
-i don't bitch slap, i bitch punch.
-remind me to remind you about me letting you keep my mini rave mix. its better than your big one.
-i wonder if you listened to it this morning..... probably.
-remind me to remind you how much i was glad to help you, and kept you from crashing. js, nothing intended. i just dont want you to think you i dont care.
-actions > words. you'll never do. sorry, over it. i know you won't give up, but ill pwn you coming up pretty soon, it's just the way it was supposed to be. this time im your teacher. and you'll wish you didnt waste the chance, but really you didnt.
-you hate weezer, we laughed together.
-if you said you
-i know she saw you look over at me, then i know she saw us laugh and smile, and then hide it, and then i came up with the best distraction, and she realized what we did, but was to scared to bring it up.
-when you were telling her off i couldn't help but feel your eyes on me in approval, i didnt look back at you, but i made my opinion very clear (without opening my mouth)
-you'll call tomorrow, and one of four things will happen: 1) you'll have a valid reason. 2) you give me the half truth 3)you'll have a pathetic reason 4) you wont bring it up.
-please save us time because you know ill bring it up, and by then you'll have made your 2nd mistake.
-whatever im bound to call you out on some things, and i know what you'll say. ill just say it doesnt seem fake. then you'll say, it doesnt seem fake but it is. then ill say well i had to address it, because it annoys me. then we'll move on to our next little topic.
-you dont know what you're talking about. don't refer to my blogs for a source, dumbass. i wrote them, you don't think i can't handle the subject. dont contradict your self again. this time i agrees with life, i dont have time for that one.
-the cycle will start over soon enough. i can tell you're trying everything to prevent it.
-my nose it cold. or maybe its my hands. or maybe its both.
-if you havent noticed i know what i want and ill get it. i dont know how to be more blunt.
"i want a hug"
-you see me roll my eyes at you. you dont say anything. once again scared.
-losing respect. when i saw what you wrote, it did bring up curiosity but i wasnt even surprised. i wasnt even sad.
-i wonder whats in store for tomorrow.

"i wonder what life has in store for me."
i wanted to say: i wonder what life has in store for ME.
but i know what you would say.
and i didn't come up with this until today: exactly.

TB me.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

i dont want to lose these

Thursday, November 5, 2009

seems our day keeps falling on a leap year

ASB conference today. Pretty fun, pretty big place, nice to not have someone breathing down your neck 24/7. I think you wanted to talk on the bus, to bad my ipod was on, to bad two headphones were in my ears, to bad you were laughing at the music i like, to bad i dont care and cant understand anything you say. As I switch radio stations the advertisements bug me so much i have to use every ounce of self control i have left at this hour. Did you know most famous bands make deals with devil? I was listening to a song by harvey danger most of you know it by "im not sick, but im not well", yeah that song. very popular song. Well I thought hmm maybe I should look up the lyrics and see if there's anything eerie, evil, or maybe a little sketchy. This is what I found.

I had visions, I was in them,
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
The rottenness and evil in me [1]

Fingertips have memories,
But can't forget the curves of your body
So when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes [seems like they're trying to say something with deeper meaning to me]
(But no one ever does)

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
and I'm so hot 'cause I'm in hell [ok self explanitory]

Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding [reminds of some of the revelations and mark of the beast towards the end, relating to the bible. also demons ]
And I don't even own a TV

Put me in the hospital for nerves
And then they had to commit me
You told them all I was crazy
They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, Goddamn you [just had to say 'Goddamn you']

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell [2]
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin, to live so well [3 a sin to live so well, im guessing refering to their deal with the devil]

I wanna publish 'zines
And rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
It doesn't hurt, it feels fine
The trivial sublime
I'd like to turn off time
And kill my mind
You kill my mind

Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's comin' to get me
Just say you never met me
I'm runnin' underground with the moles [underground maybe as the center of the earth, hmm]
Diggin' holes
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring [4 and once again self explanatory]
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me, whoa!

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell [5]
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live this well [6]

(One, two, three, four!)

I don't know much about music and deals with the devil. [] were just my thoughts I thoughts I thought I'd share. Maybe they choose those lyrics out of coincidence. I don't know much about this song and who wrote it. I might be completely wrong, but I might be completely right. Tomorrow, I'm going to get up and shower and figure out what to do from there. During the day, if no one wants to hang out, I might just ride my bike around, get pinkberry, see a movie or something, hit up disney. Diana I have things to fill you in on and remind me about our show, we'll brainstorm. Whenever I yawn my right headphone comes out a little bit. I also need new ipod headphones. I also have to put together a presentation and finish my 4hr log. I'm going to six flags the friday of thanksgiving week. I normally don't plan things but this is different. We're finally done putting it off. Anyway if you like roller coasters bring up going with me sometime. I want to play in the snow.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

I have to be at school, ready for the bus at 7am. I say I'm not a morning person, but when I have to get up for something like this. I actually get ready quickly, and efficiently. The same way I get up for church on those Sunday mornings at your house. I love going to your church. It's been awhile. I forgot to call some of the people I needed to call, well I didn't forget you. I just put it off, and now its to late. I'm getting up in six hours. I won't be in bed for another 30 at the least. I don't know what to expect. The day you told me, everyone loves rules, I was not one to add to the yeah rights and booing. I knew what you were going to say, and I knew you were right. I never forgot that talk.


I almost want to tell you not to like me. I'll be nothing you wanted, and to much to handle. I'll give up on you the minute you forget to call. You'll wish you left when you could, because you want to be right, and you don't want me to get away with the last word. I can tell you its going no where, and you'll just keep talking. I keep talking, but I don't know if I should. I know I shouldn't be like this, but what can I say? I am. You'll never live up to my expectations, expectations = a person.

-A week or two before I make you cry.

You say how much you hated her for what she did. When you were explaining what she did and how it was so fucked up without saying it was 'fucked up' you realized you were doing what you said to me. You stuttered, and stumbled on with an excuse as an attempt to sooth the mood. I couldn't help but laugh, possibly at you, most definitely at me. I put myself in the biggest trap that I couldn't back out of. I knew it too. I knew at this point it was to late. I know this would effect me for the rest of my life. I realized this, and I smiled. I screwed everything up. I love it. I can only say this was how it was supposed to be, and it was supposed to be me.

I was thinking about showers in the morning. Then I thought how I always take showers at night. I remembered the one morning I didn't take a shower at night, I was living with you. I woke up, I got my towels, went into your room, and quietly shut the door. They lied to me and said you were doing better. I don't remember if I knew they were lying, and I don't remember if I thought about it. Today though, today, was different. I can't remember if I looked at you before, but just now I pictured you sleeping. I was mad that I didn't visit you more in the hospital, so I blamed it on them and said no one took me to see you. If God knew my intentions, if God knew I didn't want to be on the computer, and instead wanted to be with you, I would have been with you. To bad my intentions were not with you, instead with the ways of the world and what they wanted me to do. I could have rode my bike to see you, I could have walked. There was no excuse. There is no excuse. I don't care if it was 7 hours away, let alone 15 minutes away at the most with a car. I didn't visit you enough. I took a shower that morning, and I didn't give you a kiss goodbye. At the moment, nothing indicated today would be your last day. No one told me to remember what you last said to me. No one told me that'd be last shower I'd take while you were alive. No one told me to say goodbye. No one told me you were going to die 30 minutes later, and I'd be the last to know. No one told me I see a dead body that day, let alone be forced to kiss one, let alone yours. I still can't remember the last thing you said to me, and if it was good, or if we were fighting. I just remember your scent because I stole your perfume before your things got picked at, fought over, and thrown away, as if they meant nothing. I couldn't understand why all people cared about was getting their money. I couldn't understand why I felt like I was the only one that was thinking about you. I couldn't help but feel them thinking I didn't deserve to cry, like I didn't have a good enough reason. I had every reason. I made some of the biggest mistakes of my life that morning, the night before, and your last few weeks. The biggest thing was how much it hurt afterwards. Everyone else busy with themselves and their lives to comfort you that next day, that next year. You died that morning, and I just thought I ode you the biggest thank you I could ever let my soul give.

we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

: love you
michellexdear: haha
michellexdear: no you dont

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

confusion never cleared up this fast

Today: was almost indescrabile. I did so much, but I feel like I did nothing. It's weird, and it's making me feel......discontent? I'm not sure but school tomorrow, asb trip thursday, no school friday. i don't have to run the mile, interesting. a little disappointing. i need discipline. i need to tell all my teachers. i know a few that are going to hassle me. gross. i think ill take my test tomorrow. i should do my reading hw thats due on thurs because im not going to be here, but i wont. i smell hassle coming around the bend. i need to call the usual kids tomorrow with out fail. ive got some things to clear up and catch up on. im going to take a quick shower, then ill do some studying and light reading. I really recommend reading the bible, I guarantee it's the most interesting thing you'll ever lay your eyes on. Everything's starting to close me in again, the only good thing about this is knowing i'm due for a breakthrough. I'm really looking forward to moving to los alamitos this summer. Carolina work on getting me that green track bike locked to the stairs that no one uses. I'm willing to pay a little $$$. Unless someone knows where I can get a good deal on a decent track bike. I love thanksgiving. Anyone want to get an annual thanksgiving football tournament going? I'm down for whoever will play. keyword: play (participate) ill swing at slackers. Other news, new years already. wow. wow. wow. you going to play like that? really, are you going to play like that? Ok. ok.

I need to write back to everyone. I will. I will. I never got my grams.
I'm pisseddddd.

I want my grams.

breathing deeply, walking backwards, finding strength to call and ask her. roller coaster, favorite ride. let me kiss you one last time,


Sunday, November 1, 2009

You hate that we're compatible.

I love it.

-get slip signed for asb conference retreat thing.
-talk to carolina about her bday
-ask people about their halloween
-invite jaynee over to play l4d
-verbally eat someone, i need practice
-get a haircut

+talking to people gets me back on check. takes away problems. talking about their problems, just someone elses problems in general; take mine away. sometimes i think i dont have a problems. i might be right. compared to others, they are nothing. compared to few, they're more than they'd ever be able to handle. compared to some, those are the some that can relate. unfortunately, or fortunately you rarely find someone that relates to you(r) problems.

+you'd never imagine what -- has in store for you. whenever you think you know what hes going to say, you're right, but the next time, the next time, you're wrong. Other times you just get lazy, and don't think things through. but you still surprise me even when ive told others you dont.


caught up with lily, kind of, nice. taking a science test tomorrow. running the mile tomorrow. going to be forced to do this stupid review tomorrow. going to try out live tomorrow. going to talk to you two on the phone tomorrow. i wonder who'll call who. doing all of the things i need to do. doing things i never wanted to do. pointless appreciation, a pointless appreciation. no one deserves credit for what they do. we should all stay nameless. then call that equality. not for what their status reads. social class. money. friends and local trends. get over yourself. be done. ready, for this underdone rerun? un- closure to the point of tears. i call this emotion. when you're so fed up you cant label anything anymore. done and done. im not saying you're wrong, but i want a fight. i want to know you're real. i just want a life worth living. a playful debate. something we'll laugh over (as long as im right). when you said you 'got' what i was saying, i laughed and said good because i don't. bro. called me bro. for now its acceptable. call me when you care. dont dare to challenge a challenger. kthanxbai. keep in mind, i never fly high.

Anybody dare to hero section me? Feel free.

skeet skeet, mutha fucka.


today: people sucked, hard.

dead air: completed.

now someone just needs to teach me how to hook up xbox live.