Wednesday, October 28, 2009
and i have my good days, and i have my bad days. but of this i would be lying, a perplexed system no one will ever get close to conquering, understanding. and the closer you think you are to the answer, the farther you are. turn around. step up. if they push you away, keep your head up. you know where ever you're going will lead to a new adventure. a new opportunity, while they'll be standing still. going nowhere. it must suck living a life knowing what you are going to do next. planning, planning only gets you so far. personally, i hate planning. organized chaos. life is chaos. organization is never permanent. why waist your time in a illusion. an illusion only waiting to disappear, because every breath in, is one closer to your last.
and it went just like that.
just as simple as that.
gn, sorry about the dance. ill see to it to never let that happen again.
a dial tone, you wont call back. hang up, don't call. wait. dial tone again, this time press the green phone. change your mind at the last second. try getting your mind off the call that will never come. try to think in the now. it wont work. your next call you're disappointed because the caller didnt reach the right receiver. that call wasn't meant for you. you're just looking for your other heart. and only when they call you, is it meant to be. walk on, walk on, you're young. i hear over and over again. im done with over. i want something fresh. but God help me, i never want to think im as desperate as you. desperation doesnt have to lead to intolerable acts. overwhelming. im so young. aren't i? fuck this. fuck this age. i was less limitations. less imitations. i want something worth gossiping about. something with at least a fraction of real. real real really. get back to me when you understand. get back to me when were equally yolked. i want my hand to hold.
maturity > age
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
beat the second mission: the woods, left4dead.
played for three hours straight, but it was worth it.
wayyy crazier. mostly just the last level, i knew my strategy was bound to work.
now that i came home and played left4dead until ten minutes ago, i've got homework to look forward too. yipee. i wonder how they would react if i gave up, typical. it's to easy to waste any label worse than outstanding. i guess ill do it..
Monday, October 26, 2009
"THAT GIRL'S GOT HOPS"
-im sorry but that one chick donal or something looked like the biggest dumbass ever
Ignoring what we felt, over looking what we've done. What do you say?
I got my XBOX 360 early!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
Definitely my new baby. Anyone want present ideas? Get me a good xbox game. Approve with someone close.
No homework today, completed the finished the first mission/chapter thing to left 4 dead. so proud, im going to try to beat it fast.
-next book on my list: beyond death's door
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Going to the mall soon, going to pretend I have swine flu. After this shake and bake dinner and ill be out the door. hoping to knock out most of my costume tonight. Took a nap today, reminded me of what happened a few days ago. I almost forgot I haven't told anyone yet. I was going to tell Mary but she was to bitch, typs (pronounce: tips [short for typical]). Have you ever been in that state right before falling asleep, you're kinda dreaming, but after you figure out what you were doing you can't remember what you were thinking about. yet you remember how cool it was, how funny it was, and you were just thinking about it 30 seconds ago. but now you've taken so much time trying to get it back, you lost it even faster. yep. most annoying thing ever. kind of relates to life if you think about it. don't feel like explaining. I couldnt stay awake in Flack's today. I was doing that thing were your head bounces and it doesnt hurt but you swear it does. yeah, that. i was doing that but 188880000000times more intense. my whole body was jolting every two minutes or so. i was having trouble keeping my right eye lid up. not odd, my right eye has always been a grade-A bitch. splash mountain just popped in my head. im always going to sit in front from now on, i never get as wet as everyone else, and its worth it. they're getting smarter with giving out the handicap passes. they only give out the wheelchair ones now. soo gay. same thing though, just a tad bit more of a hassle explaining your shit every ride you go. so for a while there i thought i wasnt being healthy. thought i was slacking, eating to much bullshit101. now that i think of it, i mightve of been slacking but not nearly as bad as i dreamed. even if i was as bad as i thought it was, im back on track now. doing good. maybe im getting a little carried away for a day. "yeah well its hard to differentiate stellars, when you cant draw very well, and to lazy to pick up some colored wax and apply." Talking to Carolina about stussy and her new asian friend. and i said if i was related to the man who created stussy thatd be bank. yeah and now i cant remember where i was going with that one so moving on ... I just got up to flick on the light and i blacked out. craziest thing ever. itd be cooler if it didnt happen every time you got up to fast, or walked into a room with different lighting.
P.s. never finished this post but posting because i dont want it to be a draft
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Today: not going into it actually. stupid. i fucked up ^^^^^^^^^^ but really you did all the fucking up. all of it.
Caught up with Carolina, and going to write Diana's letter. P.S. I read Linda's blog and I know I can beat down that president @ McGarvin in 5 secs. time me. haha, i miss her. I don't know what shes talking about when she says 4 days and so on, but I hope she see's me! I'd love that. I still need to get my necklace back =/ I bet lizz is wearing it.
Mary went on, and I took a shower. I knocked on some faces, those faces didn't answer. maybe bad signal. im done with trying for now. once those faces realize that, again, they'll reach out to me, again. always happens. for a while now. getting used to things @ school. science is my favorite class. i love making terry laugh. i love melissa who doesnt have a clue and always copies me. she missed every question i missed on the test, and when she noticed i noticed during test corrections, she leaned over and whispered, "thank you." --- "no really, thank you." She's pretty funny though, I don't mind. Ariahna is just great to be around. Acquerilli is down. My right eye is freaking out right now. an old old old friend sent me a message. after telling each other where we go to school, and say we've been fine, she said we needed to hang. at first i didnt think much of it, and then something came to mind. she doesnt know me. i could be the stupidest, creepiest, dumbest, weirdo and she wouldnt have a clue. she doesnt know me. were strangers. i wondered why she wanted to hang out with me. was she juding me? did i look like good person? was i innocent enough? is it because i didnt have a backroud? maybe its the typical top 8 thats not so typical anymore. I don't know. it almost annoyed me a bit. just a bit. because i ended up giving her the benefit of the doubt. she might of asked me to hang out because she wanted to get to know me. maybe she didnt even look at my profile or my pictures. maybe she just clicked her online friends, browsed over my picture, and clicked on the automatic link. boom, she shot me a message. then an there. so maybe, there ya go.
-if anyone thats stupid finds this i way lying about melissa cheating. ( ;)
-yeah well just because you passed once doesnt mean that gives you a no expiring get out of jail free card. then again i can't blame, for this. because i can blame for a lot of other things. i wouldnt bother worrying
- about losing me either.
-um youre sexy, nough said.
-umm youre the best friend i could wish for.
-youre to much for me to handle. we're connected i know it. i almost fainted when you asked me for my number. i couldnt even say it, i ended up saying 562 instead of 714 because i was thinking about telling carolina. i miss you and all our obvious efforts at talking to each other. when you told me you liked my 'sex hair' i blanked. hahahahahhahaha. anyway, i cant wait to see you soon. ;D
-i smile everytime you're brought up, even if it's someone talking shit. cause i know im not doing it and i dont hate you. and i know nothing they could say would ever get at you. you really are a good person.
-biggest hypocrite i know. end of story. ready to move on.
-i love the comfort of being your favorite. i love knowing that when everyone ditches you, and doesnt think you're fun anymore, knowing ill be there for you in a second. i love that you know i wont let you down. you're smart for thinking so because it's true.
-to bad things had to be like this.
-im to tired to write you right now, sorry.
-i started reading Speak tonight. so far, so good.
-i know you'll be disappointed when i turn in exactly 16 hours. required hours. keeps me a mystery, annoys you, makes you think im incapable of being outstanding, you'll write a note to put an S for my citizenship grade, you'll give her an O. hb, at least i am satisfactory. just tell me you don't like me, so we can be done playing these games.
-im going to this upcoming dance. be there. linda im sneaking you in. diana you have no choice you said if i went you would go. haha.
-im tired. good night. its 11:11. good thing i dont believe in wishes. wishery,
im going to fall asleep learning the lyrics so i have something to do while bros ask me if my name is michelle as if to confirm. even though they damn well already know my name.
you might think im interesting.
you might think im creative.
but in the end
who's going to save us?
dont let your inspiration shape your decisions and lead you to an after life in hell. do your own research. dont believe anything thats shoved down your throat unless you have a clue. and it better be a damn good clue.
"did it hurt?"
"i dont remember." --- "and if it did, it wouldn't matter."
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
No excuses, I just didn't get to blogging as usual. When people are janky usually means I have time for blogging. here i am, = l . My lips are really dry
so i got a few calls =) My head is so congested! still not sick though.. mwhah. my nose is on fire though. ive been sneezing like non stop. i need to go costume shopping. i was invited to knotts on thursday, probably can't/won't go. then i have party 1 friday night that im not sure about. then i have party 2 on saturday which im most defiantly going to. if i dont go on friday im free. no why? today, sorry to say jon had no choice, only because i have no one to blame for my demise. some one needs to massage my head. stat. carolina, come over tomorrow (wes). i keep getting distractions
all im going to say is ... wait i can't even say that. all i will say is you're lucky God loves you.
wow i dont even know what it was but when she told me i was surprised but i wasnt, all i knew was something not good was going to happen to you sooner than later. don't say i didn't warn you. don't say He didn't warn you. now i realize in all those books I read, when Jesus says "My people warned you." or "My people were there to help you." or "My people..." Jesus doesn't mean His angels or saints, i mean in rare cases he does. but in most, he means the people that have accepted Him as their savior (me) and people that try their best to follow His way or path (me [im not perfect]) . just using this as an example guys, don't take things so lightly. because you don't know out of all the things people say what can be straight from their holy spirit. (considering they were baptized). just a little caution ; ) . the most important information of your life, you might overlook, because you were to busy distracted by who didn't say it. <- actually using that as my myspace status. and who knows that might of been straight from my holy spirit through God, but I don't know. maybe not. anyway, i cant say much more about whatever im talking about. sorry if its hard to understand, just dont waist your time trying to figure it out. moving along, i still need to write diana back. i need to reread her letter and find some time to write it out. i really hate saying 'find some time' because thats just pathetic. that kinda makes me a hypocrite. no excuses. today you were a little odd. i wonder if you read her blog or something weird like that. i dont even know what to think right now. ugh i have so much i want to say right now!!!
your respect plummeted big time.
respect < disappointment
Sunday, October 18, 2009
everyone is connected, everyoneeeeeee!!
1) call jon about why? [fun fun fun!]
2) call jaynee
3) get history notes
4) convince parents ill go to school the next day
5) remind myself to dream
I want to remember some of this weekend so here it goes. This friday felt like Saturday, and this Saturday felt like Sunday, and today felt like another Sunday. kinda threw me off. Played Halo, i was pretty good for a beginner and having to just catch on. haahah, i'm only asking for one thing this christmas. Want to make any guesses? to bad, im asking for an XBOX 360. yeah so there's a possibility i might become a 'gamer', but hey nothings wrong with that. I can just imagine me sitting on my bed after finishing my homework with my water bottle close by playing left 4 dead and mary watching and freaking out. I'm going to invite diana over after school for that "group project". haha and teach her how to play. im so excited. i want one so bad! im going to ask for xbox games from my family/friends because they're fuqin expensive.
-I so bad wanted to ask if you were getting tired of me.
-You and your 80s sunglasses today, to good.
-i cant believe how mad you were because i didnt invite you to disneyland when first of all you never invite me anywhere. second, your pass is freaking revoked! third, you always say no on sundays especially.
-i want to call you outtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt so bad. its not even funny. next time i get the chance i cant say ill hold back
-i just pictured some kids trying to get in a fight with me, that'd be funny.
-im actually really excited for rugby this season.
-im starting to notice the list of things that used to make me scared or nervous is getting cut down at a productive speed
-some might say im growing up to fast. i might agree. differs to the point where i think its a good thing
-the faster i learn the less time i waist
-it just makes waiting so much harder, i cant imagine going back
-i cant help but think you wish it was possible
-i hate having to worry about all this shit, having to be sad over all this shit, and feel as if its all unnecessary
-you were so right when you said time will tell, to right to comprehend
-you surprised me - impressed me. what i thought would be awkward was completely the opposite, exceptionally comfortable. a safe i cant describe, and dont need to. youre a great person and im glad to call you my friend.
-you are so funny. without even trying. even when youre not funny, its still funny.
-when you asked me if i went, and even --- knew i went i couldnt help but give you the biggest 'you're full of shit' look of my life. made me so angry. kept me quiet for a good 10 minutes.
-its ridiculous how much you mess with my head and dont think twice about it
-you let the real you show for a second. that you deny the rest of the time. i couldnt help but smile at how much reassurance that gave me. for that second. only for that second.
-i wonder if you know what youre doing is fucked up. i wonder if you know what youre doing is fucked up and dont care.
-its different for everyone else. its so different its not even in the same spectrum of comparison
-so many sads, and only one happy.
-i noticed i defended you tonight, thats odd. something spoke up in me knowing you are a good friend. even if youre not real.
-your friends are bitchy supreme
-so funny how you said you cant hang out with us because of our age, yet you can hang out with --------'s friends no problem. pathetic.
-i still cant say i wouldnt jump at the offer to
-all i wanted was a hug all you did was wave
-even my cute little ACQUAINTANCE gave me a hug you fucked up douche
-im sorry im old news to you, im not sorry for being myself
-i dont know if being the only normal girl you've met is a compliment, well in your case i guess it is.
- "girls are crazy."
"heck yeah man, no offense."
me: "non-taken" =)
"yeah i cant think of any normal ones"
"ive only known one my whole life, and shes sitting right there" (points to me)
"yeah, you've never done anything psycho crazy"
(forces a smile)
-do you ever think of me?
-when i said you were my favorite warner student, i was being honest. i luv you
-i cant help but think you have a crush on me, so weird cause youre a girl
-people like you make me think everyone my age is immature
-i went from a typical stay home kid to a clever long legged first class home [not homie] hopper. home hopper. and i wouldnt go back, not a chance.
-it was fate. for you there's a different content feeling. cant help but think i met you for a reason. different from when i met her. figures why im not surprised i guess you could say that im not friends with her anymore. from the looks of it we'll know each other for a good long while. a good. long. while.
-youre already 300000000000billionmillionzilliontrillion times cuter
-cant wait to be
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I don't think there was a minute of the day where I wasn't busy. Seriously today was fuqin ridiculous to say the least. crazy crazy crazy. all this work finally caught up with me. im not sure if you care. doesnt seem like it. i finished my icons. now i just have to do the fun part. yay. 90% percent of my science brochure is done. got an A on my history one, and he decided to keep it. um i caught up on all my algebra homework. right now im picking a new profile song. Diana, i did read your letter! i really need to reread it and write you back tomorrow. i loved it though! thankssssss . just another school day, people were giving me weird looks walking in the rain in a tshirt. whatever ariahna wanted her gorilla jacket back.
------when i hear your name its not the same, no matter what they say, im not okay.
anyway; im not tired. so im doing this. its really hot in here. i was sweating earlier. p.s. just found my new profile song. woo.
going to carolina's tomorrow . physicked. biking to naples fersure, hittin up rockys fersure.
-todays early day didnt seem so early.
-stop trying the break me, its not going to work.
-you can't be cool for more than a day straight. so annoying. i promise ill get tired of this.
-i dont know what to say. maybe youre right.
-i really love how much you think you care. you show everyone else. kinda ironic
-i want water, but im to scared to drink from the bottle i used to kill a fly.
-everyone thinks i make the mess in our room, honestly its mostly mary. i just dont clean any of it ever because i know its a lost cause.
-i luv your neighbor hood; gosh if only.. if only.
-i have to wait through so many more months of this shit. when i realized this, i was worried it would be to long.
-sometimes i feel bad for you. most of the time, i don't.
-i have this tendency of crossing my legs and the wrapping my right leg over my left, it kinda hurts and slows blood flow, but i still do it.
-i want to have sweet dreams tonight. im going to try my hardest.
-i so badly want hack your myspace just to see how shady you are. i can so easily. but will i........... no. not now, @ least. smarter than that.
-i cant way for our next talk.
-you beeped to mary had a lil lamb, that's talent.
-damn we called it!!!!!!!
Suck on that one hard. And let me apologize if demons start to mess with you because you start talking to me about religion. Something you just have to learn to deal with. When in doubt, call on the big man for help. Cast them out with his name. Simple as that.
"IN JESUS NAME I DEMAND YOU TO LEAVE."
"IN JESUS NAME I DEMAND YOU TO LEAVE."
"IN JESUS NAME I DEMAND YOU TO LEAVE."
"IN JESUS NAME I DEMAND YOU TO LEAVE."
"IN JESUS NAME I DEMAND YOU TO LEAVE."
"IN JESUS NAME I DEMAND YOU TO LEAVE."
"IN JESUS NAME I DEMAND YOU TO LEAVE."
It's just kinda weird, (i almost said creepy but that's what the demon wants so im going to say weird) knowing that there was demon sitting on the bed I slept on only minutes after. Weird something so evil was right where I was. I'm probably pissing off Satan for saying this but I don't care, I think it's pretty pathetic sending a demon to my sister when I taught her how to rid them. Just saying.
Okay, back to work.
P.S. Bring it on, I work for God.
where will you be?
im supposed to be sleeping, but im not.
school tomorrow. i got my homework but i didnt do it, instead i talked on the phone.. whatevah i get out early tomorrow. i got my information written down for my science project. ill do my work. but honestly i dont care anymore. my hearts not in it. just my mind. ive come to terms with: fuck it. its fucking junior high. =) I feel better after tonight. but i know this wont last long because nothing can be permanent with you. ummm BLINK WAS FUQIN AMAZING. i finished all the work i needed to. tomorrow is my early day. i love wednesdays. i want to do something after homework. or after necessity homework, because if i actually apply myself and dont procrastinate i can finish it pretty quickly. sooo thats my plan. im not sure what ill do yet, but ill do it. for a second i questioned your approach of thinking towards this subject but then i remembered 'this subject' was me, and then i remembered im irresistible. ha!
-i felt really shady for some reason, even though i wasnt doing anything wrong - technically.
-i noticed i cussed and you didnt say anything, peculiar.. maybe you thought it was appropriate.
-reassuring never meant the same thing after i met you
-i discovered another part of you, this time i didnt like what i found.
-you know you like me! you just dont want to, baha
-you know better than to get in a fight with me . you aren't stupid
-i cant wait to move past this chapter of my life. even though im happy. im just ready to move on.
-christine was right and whats funnier is you know it too.
-i love when good things happen.
the best feeling is knowing you gave someone theirs
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Tomorrow awaits me. Blink 182. Shit. Im pumped as shit!!!!!!! I hope i dont get to gnarled. haha, im not sure how much hope ive got for that one. i have got so many things on my mind right now. sucks. um i have to take shower. paranormal activity was crazyyyyyyyy!!! some fuckers prank called me.... um im a little agitated right now. i cant think.
-dont lie to me again. please dont. im so fucking sick of your back and forth shit. stop messing with my head. im not a game.
-all i have to say is you're a different person for everything. a different person for every possible everything. nothing you do surprises me anymore, only the pleasant things keep me from running. past and present. lets just hope those things dont start disappearing, because just like them, ill be gone.
-once im gone, who will you have then? i dont think you realize what losing me entails. and if you think you do, you're probably wrong.
-im tired of defending you.
-you're a keeper.
-we never get in fights. we, never get in fights. ever
-im always happy to do anything for you because i know you care.
-we will survive, even if i lose some shoes on the way.
-ill always stick up for you, in any way i can. because that's just who i am.
-whenever i think about the bad things about you, i can always think of more then good. but the good in you always dominates.
for how much longer, i dont know.
I need to do my science project. seriously. im going to have to get it done tuesday. from when i get home till i go to sleep because i wont have time on monday. thanks to blink <3. oh! maybe i can do some work on the way there. hahah, just called shot gun. success. i should make some mixes if i have extra time. going to take a shower right now. if all else fails ill just pop in why?
Saturday, October 10, 2009
saw 'whip it!'
i stand impressed.
I need to do homework, i won't. It's saturday. This weekend has been the worst one in a long while. This always happens when I stay at home. Always. And they wonder why I'm gone all the time..
Friday, October 9, 2009
So far the highlights of my day were Diana's letter and julio/jennifer reaching out to me.
I know God's watching over me.
I really do.
I just don't know what to think about the world anymore. Just to be honest.
It's not the youth that's fucking this world up its the stupid asses that raise the youth!
Whatever the fuck, i just need to keep my eyes on the prize. Keep my head up. Accept what I'm being taught. And disregard the example of how im being raised. Its just hard to do anything in this house
10-7-09/11:51 PM- Crawling into bed Mary 'woke up'. It went something like this..
Mary: your iq
(30 second pause)
Mary: Did your iq change?!
10-7-09/ Sometime before 5pm- Mary told me what I did while taking a nap. Mary wasn't sure if I was sleeping yet...
Me: What!?! (spoken VERY clearly)
Mary: What time are you waking up?
Me: Uhermnesesdfjadhgaehkgahfld (Gibberish)
Both of us: Back to sleep
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I found miracle pocky in my drawer. I don't remember buying a second one and it was completely unopened just sitting there ready to be eaten. Today was stupid. I don't science was fun except for that party pooper sub. wasnt even buggin. If she wrote down my name ill just call jimbo down from lakewood- carolina ;). so im pretty good at being able to take a decent nap and finish all my homework. red lobster is a rip off, i almost lost my shit too. mary and mom thought they would be funny by leaving me in red lobster being judged by middle aged sonsabitchez until i put two and two together; i looked like the biggest idiot.. oh well "D.
i know i didnt just do a long ass survey only for it not to be posted. annoying!!! whateva; i guess.. tomorrow i have to get up early. then i get to relax. no worries. one of my favorite days of the week. now i just have to figure my shit out and clean my room. ill leave that for tomorrow. sleep soon. i wont settle this weekend. wont settle for anything less then desired situations. i might go to disneyland. ill definately do something interesting. scary farm maybe! who knows what ill do next.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I had a lot of homework today. Got it all done. And fit in a nap. what was supposed to be 15 minutes turned into 3 hours. 3 hours of goodness. 3 hours of beautiful. so my brain is completely shut out, but turned on when i sleep. crazy shit. so i guess in the middle of the night i just sat up and let my feet dangle over the edge for a bit. then i went back to sleep. thats so creepy to me because i had to see what i was doing to be able to sit up and let my feet dangle with out falling on bunk beds. i just dont know what was seeing. i mean i do know. but i dont. that subconcious half of me that is so mysterious but theres no mystery to it. i dont know, just something to think about. that part of you that youll never figure out. the frankest part about you. you just dont get. ever. but anyway, i think ill do some studies on the subconcious self. im really interested. to start i'll probably make video entries and have the topic relate to my science project @ the end of the year. this will pwn. more original then even i expected. i mean yeah it depends how you do it, but i can pull it off. 'Some of the greatest things root from accidents.' holla; today @ school was chill. went by pretty fast. i kinda like doing the announcements now. still a love/hate relationship. but i must admit the love portion is dominating. i really want to track who reads my blogs. shear curiosity. i havent been reading lately, this is not a healthy habit. but that is not germane to the fact that i have to finish 4 hours worth of reading by friday. yummy. my interests are slowly starting to return. this time im careful to who i let in and what i say and how i say things. a situation well remembered can go a long way for a clever juvenile. ill never make the same mistake twice, consciously that is. sooner or later ill realize what ive done and acknowledge that my illusion of growing as individual and everything i thought i accomplished, was a lie. i bet anything, the day i forget is the day before im reminded. all to soon if you ask me. life is all to fair. who ever said life isn't fair is an idiot! just to let you guys know. and im not going to elaborate on the subject either. think about it for 10 minutes tonight before you fall asleep. "life is nothing but fair." depending on your iq the faster youll get it. i dont know what im talking about right now, just to be honest. i think this blog was done subconsciously (a word i plead with you to get used to because i will most likely refer back to it on numerous occasions). i think i know why i spell things wrong or skip a word or show signs of brain faster then hands->mouth; because i dont care! i dont care if i misspell a word as long as i know what im saying im satisfied. to please others would be illogical. to please others with making sense of your thoughts.. to please others by correcting YOUR thoughts, doesnt make sense to me. it never will. just another something ill have to live with. i wont learn to live with it. ill just do it. differentiations in ways of thinking. every day life. if i could get my eyes on your thoughts it would be a miracle. so im going to get as close to reality as i can. living on a world with instinctive liars , this will be a challenge to say the least. ergo ill be doing studies on the variations of how people think, their way of thinking, and how it effects their lives. lives to be a vague term. including but not limited to: decision making, family life, relationships, profession, diet, location, and life style. im not so sure ill be able to finish that study to be able to put in a project- poster board by the end of the year. meaning ill probably begin now; when i get something, i get something. no rush. as long as my final report is completed prior to my demise. despite evidences i cant decide if i will ever have an entirely satiable mind.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Performed: nothing above average
Needs to improve on: giving a shit
Realized: Nothing is a big deal anymore. despite what my friends i go to school with think,
Vocabulary: finally discovered how to correctly spell despair
(last bit of remembrance regarding you, im sorry to say)
School was a blur. I can't remember if it was fun or manageable. Better than tomorrow's classes but the only thing tomorrow's got the upper hand on is one day closer to my countdown. every day counts. plus hours closer to friday 2:12. It was really difficult for me to get out of bed this morning. maybe that's just mondays but i just thought about how much i wouldnt like doing the announcements on my own.
Algebra 1 Mr. Flack 91.6 A
PE Combo Mr. Lambright 95.0 A
S/S Honors Mark Jocham 96.7 A
Science 8 Joe Acquarelli 111.1 A+
Leadership Mrs. Fields 100.0 A
Reading Honors Mrs. Battaglia 100.0 A+
I told diana today how i really loved life. she asked me why. regardless of homework and tests and other things that dont matter, i really am excited for my future. impatient. yearning for nothing ever before. i am just ready for more moments, where you just think to yourself 'thankyou God for granting me life' . im ready for bigger and better things. im ready for more conversations until my brain cant function. im ready for everything my future has to unfold. constantly playing the waiting game, im @ that stage where the young adults(early20s) have to get their turn @ staying out late and partying. @ the same time those babies have to grow up, they have to make it to kindergarten (the ones that grow up 'so fast'). the rest of us.. we just have to sit back and focus on the little things that keep us sane and give us the illusion of getting through it.
so hey i wasnt abandoned. last night was refreshing. today was interesting. ---- i got my two Why? cds i cant wait to give one to alex. i know hell like it. pink berry with ariahna. i always get free samples. just for the kick of it. always end up getting original. i cant wait for my next visit. i need to read soon. ill guess ill read tomorrow, and finish up any homework for thursday. then ill have to study for science wes. night. that only leaves me with figuring out 4 questions for the debate tomorrow, stapling in a few papers, writing down some reminders, filling in my schedule, getting five dollars in pledges, and switching back packs for tonight. maybe work in some family time. even though family time doesnt officaialy exist in my household. i hope to get a call back. then ill finish the night off in prayer.
Haven't talked to my friends in awhile.
growing distant or growing closer?
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Friday was sooo great. happy birthday jon! the party was super fun. i met some really cool people. some people were stupid about it but the whole thing but (for me) the whole thing was completely tight. today(saturday) was good to, followed up with fridays drama in the morning luckily not involving me, just effecting me.. i saw zombie land, very impressive. wanted to ride bikes so bad. didnt do any homework, but brought my work. i need to get it done. Today, was very weird. i left carolina's kind of early. i didnt go to church, not good. i think i was abandoned by a friend yesterday. im not sure if ill be seeing their face much anymore. i cant say i wont miss it. i can say it wasnt my fault. i am not sure though, im never sure with this one. brings me back to jon's party, i want to talk about it because it was happy and maybe it will you happy too =). im not sure if i made the right choice by walking out the door to play bond, but i made a choice. after everyone understood how to play, i was the runner for carolina. carolina's pro driving skills... haha. we pwned hard. i caught like more then half of the people. considering some cars caught none, thats pretty good. and the funny thing was neither carolina or i knew our way through rossmoor. who knew all those streets were like one big maze. i almost died a couple times jumping out of a moving car cause carolina's foot wouldnt let her break. my new rite aide shoes can prove it, hahahah... the best thing was carolina trying to guess how to put j's car in reverse and jon screaming at her to hurry up. so funny.. in the end justin won. he didnt even know how to get to cvs. hah but yeah id definitely say that was a kick ass way to end the night [early morning], i hope he had had a good birthday. funniest thing was seeing brett eat shit (hard) and then look at me and laugh like no other cutie. mmmm you said so yourself 'because she cares' regarding me; but do you care.. thats what i want to be sure of. because you sure lead me towards no. time will tell. speaking of time, keeps everything in order yet ruins everything. i cant help but pray hard. i made sure i prayed for a while today. so eerie, [a good eerie] how fast God responded. i was just like wow whenever im in doubt about who cares about me i've always got Jesus Christ.
-i couldn't help but be on his side for this one, but if i voiced this one then i wouldn't be in a good situation. the one i was in was tough enough keeping my mouth shut.
-i know this was going no where from the moment i talked to you, but i think everything happens for a reason. God wants one of us to get something out of this.
-i love when you put new music on your itunes and then you click on shuffle and it only plays the new stuff you uploaded.
-i wanted to keep holding on to you but i know you couldnt wait to let go
-im trying to remember everything, if i had the chance to live it again id make sure to appreciate it more, knowing never to touch you again.
-life goes on.
and you got almost all of me figured out
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Lost - Priscilla Ahn(click full song here)
people are so fucking confusing, i promise you. im as simple as can be.. dont give me puzzles to solve please. if ive done something so horrible to you that causes you not wanting to be my friend, please tell me. please just tell me. but you know what i think the problem is not what i have done, but what i havent done. i think you expect everyone to treat you like shit, and to spit in your face. and when someone doesnt you dont know how to react. you dont know how to deal with them... but how youre dealing with things now is not right. maybe im judging to soon though, i just hope it was a joke. i dont want to deal with this and you dont have time to deal with this. so its a done deal.
everyones given me their opinions. i just hope they're right. other then what just happened, i got my outfit today. yay. i got a b+ on my algebra test today because i forgot to put my number on my paper. yay. #17 #17 #17 #17 #17 (i think) well, this ethic question still awaits me. isnt life just one big ethic and its your choice to choose what your going to do. right or wrong. right or wrong. shoot or miss. shoot or miss. fight or flight. puff or pass. cry or smile. scream or whisper. sing or stammer. done or dont. life or not. heaven or hell.
lately things have been testing my faith.. this has been a long lately. itunes shuffles freak me out. they always go along with the situation.
my vocal cords are so pissed at me, on fire half the day. the weather makes it worse. i almost choked on some water trying to swallow really slowly but its all good. today was super hot. science was good. met ariahnas boyfriend. she did good, haha.. reminds me i didnt see her after school and she was kind of supposed to come home with me. a little late for that. now im waiting for mary to come home so i can go get an outfit for tomorrow. im going to take a cold shower when we get back and sleep on it to mellow it out as much as possible. ummm lambright loves me. i think im going to be his little prodijay, that boat sailed along time ago with bertotti last year. im already almost up to the 7s by a second away. so i think ill be able to get the medal. and for rugby, i kind of want to run until i throw up every practice for awhile. but well see... chances are ill change my mind. i did some more pig squealing today when my throat felt better, that bought me some happiness. lunch was a blast, i pwnd. 'hi im michelle,' firm handshake. 'nice to meet you' i got a weird look but i was surprised how he knew how to give a decent hand shake. -------- pwnd today @ pe. so tight. today's lunch was the best yet. no joke.
[15:29] : did you get hit by a volleyball today? :-DDDDDd
[15:31] Michelle x Dear: i dont even know
[15:31] Michelle x Dear: i dont think i would care
[15:30] Michelle x Dear: im pretty sure id get in trouble for moshing..
[15:30] : moshing?
[15:32] Michelle x Dear: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=moshing
[15:35] : haha
[15:42] Michelle x Dear: goodafternoon jogging munstah are you going to eat meh?
[15:42] : yarr
[15:43] Michelle x Dear: im just a british kid with bad teeth n granny says its time to come in soon
[15:43] Michelle x Dear: i can fetch you some tea and teckles
[15:43] : sure.
[15:44] Michelle x Dear: cheeriosthen, cheerios.
[15:42] Michelle x Dear is offline.
[15:44] : honey nuts. (slaughtered)
-you're losing respect from me more and more each day. if theres one thing i hate more then liars are halftruths. tell me the whole answer or none. i dont give a shit if thats what you did for half the day, i believe i asked you 'what'd you do today' meaning the whole thing. everything with your shadyness (not so much the jankyness because i understand its tough) and ignored calls is just starting to all add up. pretty soon you're going to lose us, and you're going to regret it.. because once these people walk away from you we wont be there to forgive you anymore. at china wok she was right, and did bring up good points. i guess the questions are , how much are we going to put up this? how long are you going to go on like this? just because you treat us like this now. because of our situation, doesnt mean the situation isnt going to change. just remember that. is it really going to be worth it to us then? who knows.... i dont.
prayer requests: i need guidance right now, a lot of guidance. and my dog has a bump on her face that just got bigger. dragging her to the vet tomorrow. pray its nothing serious. Brandy is my rock. she gets me. id be lost without her direction. i can not fail to mention she gives really good advice. for me its free, if you need some though, just tell her i sent you...