Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I've always been frisky

Haircut was an over all success. I mean it's a great cut, it's just it's so short!!! Whatever though, I'm not sad. No time for sad. It's going to grow out great though. Pictures later.

how do you do your hair in the mornings?!
I wake up. I brush. I go. Seriously, I don't do much at all. If I do anything it'd just be a little straightening in the back because I don't want to look like a desperate housewife. I don't tease although people always ask me if I do. I'm assuming you like it, thanks, some people hate me for it. Losers..

i know you well enough to know that you never whisper

Wow, you know me well! I've always been a loud person, and I don't see that changing, (meaning it's not going to change). I know one enough's enough's though. :] Except at sleepovers I tend to get a little fiery/roudy. But you're great for knowing that because it's true. Call me / (I really liked this fromspring so I put this up even though it's not a question)


I have squandered my resistance for a pocket full of mumbles such are promises, all lies and jests.

Great minds never think alike.

I want the one I can't have:

Family day. Disneyland was sold out, what the heck! I didn't even know that was possible, probably because I never thought about it. We split up through downtown, maybe not typical quality time, but that's just the way we do things. Unpractical is pretty much what we fall under in websters. Dave and Busters, [beat everyone]. I saw the cutest shoes in forever 21 and they only had one pair left, size 7. I'm an 8.

I will have you.
Haircuts tomorrow not sure what I'm doing after..
-Carolina's for New Years.
-Make up artist for New Years: Carolina.
-Make up artist for life: Carolina.
That was easy.
-New Years Resolutions: to late to do, i have to get up early tomorrow (11) later
These are the riches of the poor.

You love me.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

But sooner or later, You always have to wake up.

Not much to say. I saw Avatar for the 3rd time and it was just as good, except this time I wore my Avatar shirt. I think that's part of the reason why I wanted to go again. Had some creeps but at least it kept things interesting. I came home and played CODMW2 for a good amount of hours and finally beat this one level that I almost gave up on. One of the most annoying things ever... I think I'll be going to Disneyland with my family tomorrow, to be honest I'd rather just stay home and rent movies because I know they'll get restless @ Dland. I don't know I just don't want them to waste their money. I'll try my best to get them on the best rides and make sure they see all the good stuff. I'd try to get them in for free, but they check stamps and tickets now because they finally figured out how people were getting around their ridiculous prices. Other than that today was pretty chill. Haircut rescheduled to Wednesday. Carolina rescheduled to Wednesday after rescheduled haircut. When is new years again? This Friday huh, New Years Eve: Thursday night. Plans for me? I've got a few options.
Winter break isn't bad. It's nothing special, but it isn't bad..
School year being half over I'm looking forward to summer nights already. For now, I'll take it one day @ a time. I don't think people realize how fast your life can end. I mean after all they are starting to call 2009 the year of death.
-Ever since Christmas I've been getting a lot of 'You smell good's. Marc Jacobs is the man.
-I haven't heard from Sam in awhile.
-I hope you liked your gift(s).
-Who knew I looked good with eye makeup, well you're a pretty good make up artist.
-Sorry if this post was kinda dry, but in my defense it's 4 in the morning.

anyway i could get ur number
If you ask for it face to face,
favorite thing to do on your free time? ps you loook good in skinny jeans.
Thanks & I have a lot of free time right now so good question.. Go to a close friend's house, bike rides, video games, food, disneyland, water, movies, dancing, inside jokes, blogging, long phone calls, making people smile, zelda, new testament (for now), sleep, daydreaming, and breathing . my all time favorite: thinking.

ellobuddywillyouknockagain. will you live again? will you care again? can you dream after knowing you murdered those people. janedoejohndoeandthefamily.

well ill be here for you when they all get bored of you because my hearts big enough for both of us and company.
cause i say rain when its only a drizzle.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Total lack of confidence displayed.

Today was a pointless dream, given I spent half of it sleeping. Sleeping till 3, napping at 6, waking up to a movie, eating some nachos, shower, and this. I'm sometimes the most mellow person you will ever meet, but other times I'm the most upbeat person you will ever meet. And that's just how I like to live.

I came here to finish what I've started. That's what I'll say to you if fate decides to match us again. Until then, hellohowareyouitwasnicetoseeya. God bless.


I want to be the one's who profound, but I can't keep up with your pace. I still call you the one that got away, and to think I'm the one that let you go. My complaints, my complaints. Never had a chance to know.

I looked for inspiration, and I found you. My mind didn't know what to. I know what I wanted to do, but didn't. Goodnight.

The fastest years of your life are the carefree ones. When you couldn't count your shoes and couldn't speak like confetti parade. No amount of clouds to lounge on. What if you want to countdown? Will it go faster? Probably not..
I'm going to try to stop counting, but that won't work.
I did stop soda, and I did do water.
I did stop coffee, but that's just cause I want to grow.
All the people who taught me card tricks are dieing.

jealin that you got daisy by marc jacobs
where would you like to live in the future?

I'd like to live with someone great. Full of surprises, and the one I'd call to hangout anyway if I weren't there, or the person I would be thinking about anyway if we weren't talking. I'm a simple kid, don't need much. Just smiles, postive faces, and maybe some water. That's just the way I like to live.

Met you once. that nite was fun [;
Thanks, I'm glad I taught you something. I must've for you to have remembered me.

And for the record, I'm a virgin. And proud of it. Someone buy me a promise ring.

I live because I want to. And the wisest man in the room is not the perfect one. The wisest man in the room is the one that has made the most mistakes.
Thank you to anyone who has made an impact on my life. Good or Bad. Happy or Sad.
I owe my breathes and my choices and my experiences to everything due happen, to happen. Is there anyway to help? Yes, I'll pass on your knowledge to someone like me. You won't read this, but fate might.
Thanks again.
God Bless.
I told you I was a simple kid.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Don't believe this hype.

Sometimes I want something so bad, that I forget about reality, and live in my dreams. I live in my dreams until I think my dreams can become reality. Once I figure out that there's not a chance, not a roll of dice, that what I want can possibly happen I lose it. And I lost it. I got over it though, and I'm starting to dream less and live more, sleep's only for the smiles. Maybe one day I'll get close to my zzzs, I actually know I'll succeed. For now though, I'll just try not to drag my feet. No promises. No introductions. Just life. I didn't know coming head to head with reality would be so hard. I didn't know I had these feelings.

Off for a nap, then a hike, then a night, then a sight. Won't someone come along?
Now that's there is nothing holding me back, even though that's a stretch of truth, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm not sure how I'll react or not react. I'm excited to see though. Excited to leave. Excited to stay. All of it. All of it. Things still come to mind, I can't help but wonder why I met who I met. Why I've seen what I've seen. Why I did what I've done. Why did I go through all this? I don't think I realize, or anyone how big of a year this year has been. Shaping all that I am and will be. This year leads on my habits to future habits. From eating habits, sleeping habits, work habits, bad habits, good habits, all habits. Technically, my life is getting planned out by these few years, but I can't help but feel, it's just begun. I've just begun.

Embarking on things I've never done, but will do many more times. Stepping into lives, I thought I'd never step into but will stay next to for a long time. Stepping into live, I thought I'd want more of, but don't. Leaving for places I said I'd never come back to, but do. Telling someone we'd hangout, but it never happens, because it wasn't in the cards for us. Losing friends, and not minding much. Calling it changes, but really it's just you telling your self you're fine with out them, because it's true.

Friday, December 25, 2009

All together now

[19:42] michelle: on christmas eve:
[19:42] michelle: i got
[19:43] michelle: a cardboard boombox that plays ipods
[19:43] michelle: i got shoes, sunglasses, lotion
[19:43] michelle: and this morning
[19:43] michelle: :
[19:43] michelle: i got l4d2, codmw2,
[19:43] michelle: 100$ simon giftcard
[19:43] michelle: nintendo dsi (wasnt expecting) & zelda to go with it
[19:44] michelle: blush, make up bag
[19:44] michelle: and some more lotion
[19:44] michelle: and omgosh
[19:44] michelle: daisy by marc jacobs
[19:44] michelle: a purfume
[19:44] michelle: smells soooooo good!
[19:44] michelle: + 20 bucks
[19:44] michelle: + everything school kids got me
[19:44] michelle: :)

^^ I did get some good stuff! Super physicked.


Happy Birthday Jesus!

Happy Birthday Jesus!!

Christmas Eve was a success. Party was a good turn out. Super fun.
Details up later.
I open my presents, presents Christmas morning so I wonder if I got some good stuff.
As for tonight's presents:
-I got a cardboard boombox that plays ipods (one of the best presents ive ever gotten) and yes its actual cardboard, and yes it actually works. sickest thing ever.
-shoes :)
-suburban commando


I finally got some good formsprings. Yessss.

why are you so close to dianna
Are you jealous? ;] She's really down to earth and easy to get along with. Our personalities never clash, so no drama, that's always a plus. [Not that I really have drama with anyone, ever. I'm just not that kind of girl. I don't see the logic in wasting time making big deals out of things that won't matter tomorrow. Life is to short.] Anyway, she is a good soul and I'm glad to be her friend. I love this girl. Other than that....................get to know her your self bud.

i can be your all time lover
I'm down. You might have to get off formspring though.

MICHELLLEYYYY, it's been a while since I've given you a formspring!!! How you doing girllll? Guess who. You know it's true. It's d boo.
Haha, Diana. You're great. I'm really good. Thanks.

what are your thoughts on michael jackson
Wow; MJ, huh. Music: I liked jackson five, and for his solo career he had some good hits. Isn't a favorite. His-Story: I thought it was kind of sketchy how he died. I don't really like him much. I don't think he deserved so much attention, and his family is a bunch of sellouts from the movie to interviews to talkshows to a televised funeral. Personally, I think it's pathetic. But hey, gotta make money somehow right?! With the economy and all.. Oh, on a side note I don't care where I was when he died.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

replying to a formspring

to you know who & you know your question: Yeah she did that's old news, wow.

happy christmas eve


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

happy days

Today was good. Carolina's place was fun as always. Maybe I'll go skating tomorrow. Who knows.

oh can someone tell chris i said happy birthday i dont know how to get ahold of that kid.

your 18th is going to be fucking insane
Just a curious weirdo:
are u still freinds with that one white girl?

i dont know what white girl you are talking about, find out the name and ask me again.
who yo bestfriend

carolina cause shes cooler then you :]
who's the prettiest and ugliest girl/boy at school in ur opinion? y?

girl-diana because she dresses nicely and she carries herself well.
boy- that josh or something like that with blond hair that rides his bike home b/c i like his eyes and he has senses fail on his music
girl-i dont know her name but she something about her is off, it okay though she dgafs so good for her.
boy- ditto ^

Watched Avatar again today. This time in 3d. It's better in 2d, but it's still just as good. 2nd time in theaters and more to come. I finally put my Christmas list together :). I need to buy Carolina's gift(s) soon. mmm shes the only one allowed to buy me clothes. Rugby thing was canceled, not surprised.

Breaks off to a slow start, should pick up tomorrow though.

Red Leader, signing off.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Into the Wild

is one of those really good movies i wish i could hate

but can't.
real deal:

Sunday, December 20, 2009


i fucking love Carolina.

im done

ill be getting ready for bed right now. hi morning.

self explanitory

I told myself I was going to go to sleep after this. Deep down, I knew I was wrong.

Jump start the kick start so i can get outta here.


Friday: Fun with Christie/ Christine / Diana!
Saturday: Woke up. Practice today was so hot. I felt sick through more then half of it. Shaked after thanks to sugar problems, and was light-headed. Sound practice though. Other than that, today was great. From crazy workers in bath and body works to outsmarting my cousin. Watching Avatar was definitely the highlight though. I left l4d @ his house though. :'[ Won't be getting that back for awhile. Hopefully a little while.

Ask me more formspring questions. I want good ones. Funny ones. The works.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Live Everyday like it's a Sunday.

and linda that formspring, the i fucking love you was me, haha . just a confirmation.
There's a deeper meaning to 'live everyday like it's a sunday' then dove realized, or they did, and put it there on purpose. Who knows.

: if i can file a complain i would do it but then i might get in trouble or something
: brb i g2g eat

Thanks so much for everyone who gave me a Christmas present! Thanks. thanks. thanks. Really, Thank you. You made my day.

I was invited to a few places tonight, but I think I'll be staying in for once. I'm not sure if I feel up to bugging my parents for a ride. I'm not sure if I'm up for figuring everything out. I'm not sure if I up to stay up all night. I guess it's not that I don't want to go, I just don't care enough to put that much effort to it. If it was simpler then it is. I'd be down like the economy. It's fine today was good. and I'm good. It's Christmas break. Fuck ya.

This years is half over (school year). I'm the only one excited. I couldn't have put it anymore simply. I'm just so excited for more adventures, more experience, but over everything i just want more life. id love me some more life.

more life? yes, yes please.

From just a curious weirdo:

what do u think of christine le ?

Now, that I think of it she's a bit of a mystery. Then again, maybe there's nothing to know. Hm..I think she's a quiet person that'd I used to have classes with. We never really talked. We never really were friends. I don't mind it. I'd like to say more but I'm not sure what you want know exactly, mmmm she's just a tiny girl that I see everywhere. :)

Will things ever be the same?

things will never be the same

y0 . can i kiss u?

are you tall enough?

1: i love secret time
2: what secret?
2: o.o
1: oh i thought you were confiding in me
1: i felt special
1: never mind
2: sorry..
2: haha
2: like
2: 4 people know
2: o.o
2: i dont mind telling them

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Going shopping soon. Get ready Christmas Kids.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Sunday, December 13, 2009

No Intros.

I'm kind of over formspring. I dont want to deal with it anymore. If people ask me question to my face, and it's just us one on one you're almost always guaranteed an honest answer. Just ask me there. Tell me to my face. I won't swing at you, I'm just not scared of confrontation. Come up I'd love to talk, and I'd like to make it interesting. I'm not taking it down, I just probably won't check it that often. Plus no one knows about my blog, so it's kind of pointless. :)

No Intros. I told you I was cold.

Friday I got my shit done; i was a good friend, and went to the mall. I didn't do much Friday, but it was my day not to care. The next day, I woke up late. Got ready for lb. And made to Carolina after picking up bedding in prep of giving my tortoise away. =/ My dad was in love with it. I love cold. I'm just not sure if I like my feet stepping in puddles.

My eyes are starting to burn, because I left my contact juice @ home. It was fine though because I went to sleep so late, I know they wouldnt roll and get lost somewhere in my head. Brutal.

bot flys are pesky mother fu

Today was good, long. :] Not how I imagined it to go, but good nonetheless.

Before I start that weird blogging thing I always do I just want to say:
I have recently found interest in WW2. Can't wait to study up.

No Intros. I told you I was cold.

-Us. We. We are the same blood, we are. We are.
-My eyes are blurring, my thighs are cold, my back hurts,and I still need to take a shower, im getting back my muscles
-Calls from you at 2am asking if you wanted to hang out, and saying I didn't care because I never see you anymore, you would. You would.
-Watching quarantine in your room was freaking amazing. Blue ray, ftw. Could have promised the helicopter was outside of your window.
-Currently listening to all hail the heart breaker.
-I'll let you get the best of me, because that's what I do best.
-I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker. I guess how this one's going to go.
-Currently thinking that I don't want to leave my warm feet.
-Currently excited that I'm not dreading school tomorrow.

Just like that everything negative, turned postitive.
Just like that.
In just one Snap.
I've seen my world change and go back to where it came.
And sometimes I'm scared to be in my own skin.
If you could scare me out of it.
I'd give you kiss, for this was worth more then one wish.
Break. Breathe, and repeat.
And just like that I warned you.
but nothing could be down to this.
Just like that everything right, turned wrong.

-This girl just told me she had a crush on me. Wow, that's a first. t0tally interrupted my poem flow. lameeeee. whatever that poem was lame anyway. ill finish it some other day. I really did mean it when I said I was STRAIGHT. thanks. but nope.
-You're a bad host. haha this is two in one. haha i love it.
-dont preoccupy me you bitch.
-I thought it was raining but I remembered I had headphones on.
-I heard Carolina's phone go off, and I told her, and I wondered why she was looking at me weird. It was on silent mode. To bad I was right, and someone was calling her. because that doesnt make me crazy, that makes me g

Just like that everything negative turned positive.
Just like that.
In just one Snap.
I've seen my world change and go back to where it came.
And sometimes I'm scared to be in my own skin.
If you could scare me out of it
I'd give you kiss, for this was worth more then just one wish.
Break. Breathe, and repeat.
And just like that I warned you.
but nothing could be down to this.
Life, Death, or rest.
Just like that everything right, turned wrong.
If only I could hear you hum that song
its been to long to play along
I've seen my world change and go back to where it came.
and just like that I warned you.
Unpredictable, Unreliable, or amazing.
Yes/No - Stay/go.
And just like that I've warned you.
but there's one thing I'll promise.
And just like that I warned you.
No Intros. I told you I was cold.

Not how it sounded in my head
another song for the weekend.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


dont blame me for the life i lead
im just doing things ill never need.
but you'll look back in infamy
on all the things you wish you did, but didnt.
for that extra hour of weep
come back for a nap some other day
because im going the wrong way, and youre going the right way.
but i never said i was normal.
and you glare at me with those lies
and trick with with your eyes,
but i never said you weren't normal.
but i never said i knew what normal was.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Maybe it's time to go

Should I nap or continue on the computer? I think I'll nap as long as I can. I wasn't kidding anyone, I think we both knew which one I was going to choose.

You're making a spectacle.

Monday, December 7, 2009


This weekend was fun. Things to remember: No hike, slept for an hour, ihop & carolina's lemonade, different perspective of chels/gentree/katie as people, petes coffee and the indie boys, 'JUST KEEP WALKING' - classic, rite aide and gloves, meeting melissa, gtree is a crazy driver and carolina eating car while talking about body spray, getting a call after shit, finding out the shit wasnt the truth, tired beyond belief, talking, caring, and new friends.

Today: I took a long nap. Worked the book fair. Easy/boring/unnecessary/ but i did get service hours =). I got up ate dinner, watched tv, did my hw, ate again, and then went on the computer. That's it.

I've been thinking about Christmas, and people are starting to ask me what I want. I haven't put much thought to it, but I'll start here. I won't be doing a wishlist for a while but you can refer here to get some ideas and or not. I'm going to put things up that you obv. wont be able to get me but I want to put up to remember.
My favorite color is green, keep that in mind ;).
I want clothes, perfume, xboxgames, giftcards, letters, and maybe some cute shoes/belts/accessories/etc. If you don't know me well enough to buy me expensive presents I would love a letter and cookies. Either white chocolate chip mac. or just chocolate chip.

I might ask for my parents for a single speed track bike. If I get one I'm going to try to ride my bike to lbc once a week. I did some research and a person my height needs a 50-54 cm baby. I also found some cool sites to get some price ranges and ideas.
I especially like this one because you can customize your own bike, kinda cool. ^



-this is probably the exact bike I want, I'm just nervous to do online ordering and all and its all white, but thats not a big deal over all this is the best idea / the exact ting what I want in a bike :
def. my dream bike.
and i just found this:

If you are not satisfied with your Osobike please return within thirty days in good condition in original packing for a full refund less shipping.

wow i think im in love with the osobike.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

los alamitos

Dear a close friend, bestfriend, just a friend, curious weirdo, homie: Your answer is the title of this post. ;) Comment anonymous on the post with your school.

I finally met veronica and vanessa tonight. They're attitude is sound. I like them. :) can't wait for all of us to hangout soon. gnarland needs to take whats good. and needs to stop being an id. on the other hand she deserves someone that will treat her better. Stopped in Ross, I did get a pretty cool vest thing. Yezzz. I get to sleep in tonight. Yay. sleep sleep sleep. we won't sleep until 5 anyway. I'm glad to be being glad. I've never seen Carolina this tired. Well I have but that doesnt count. It was warped bro. Well here she comes more later.. :)


Friday, December 4, 2009

shake the dust

leaving soon, this is going to be fun.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


+From a close friend:

i love everything about your face, lol.
your freackles, eyelashes, eyebrows, teeth!!!
would you ever date anybody at our school?

Thanks baby, I'm digging your attitude.
I think you meant a relationship: First off, I don't want a boyfriend. Therefore, I would not. I'm really picky. I have pretty prominent emotions. I feel what I feel. From what I've seen, no one would be able to handle me. They'd try, and get tired of me pretty fast. It's happened =). Oh, there's always the possibility I'm just not attracted to the person.

+From a bestfriend/close friend/acquaintance:
hey love <3333
who would you say are your closest friends and why?
Hey baby.
-Carolina because she know's me the best. We never fight. We understand each other even when we dont make sense. She's golden. #1 imbie.
-Rocky because I can trust him with anything, and he gives good advice. He's the reason I know about Jesus, (well God used him to teach me). :)
-Diana because she's down and we get along really well. She cares about me a lot, and she dresses nicely! Haha, she's really great. She'sakeeper.
-Jennifer because we always talk about things I don't normally talk about to other people. She is my running buddy, part the reason why I run fast!
-Sam because I'm always welcome at her house, and we stay up all night together. She's also my spanish girl who sings well. She's always there when I need her. We talk to each other about our problems. and solve em.
-Christie because shes always willing to listen and down for the count. She's always consistent and she'll never stab you in the back. guaranteed.
-Ariahna because we've been friends for the longest time! 10 years. We always manage to keep it together. She's there for me. We joke. She gives me piggy back rides and its funny because im like a foot taller then her. We're rugby buddies for life.
-Tiffany because she cracks me up. We talk a lot. Her attitude is sound.
-Christine because she always comes to sleepovers. We always seem to agree with each other. I love it, haha. because she's the feistiest person I know.

+From a homie:
Why is Linda such a sexy beast? >:D

I'm not getting that many submissions!!! Its whatever though.. ahah. post one. now. Anyway, Linda is a sexy beast because shes suuuuuuuper cool and even though shes at a different school now she cares so much about everyone, (mostly me). and she's always there when you need her even when shes not, if you get me ;). i luv this girl's persona and shes def. down in my book. If you want a great friend look her up. Shes also a fun girl. I need to talk to her more.

Rugby was easy tonight. I'm excited for the season. My nap was good. Tuesday's practice > Thursday's. I'm kind of tired. I still have homework.

Macs are the great! I really like this computer. Ive always been able to type faster on these computers. I'll type even faster when my hands arent numb. Haha, FORMSPRING ME ----> !

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

something that produces results

: ill make you
: turn
: into
: like
: a super hot dancer
: like
: super super hot
: :-D
[18:01] michelle: haha
: everyones gonna ask for your number
: seriously
[18:01] michelle: youre hot enough for both of us


[17:48] : am i mature yet?
[17:48] michelle: i cant be the judge of whos mature
[17:49] michelle: i just know what i think
[17:49] michelle: and i think
[17:49] michelle: no
[17:49] : :-(

im a bitch
Slept today, im pretty lazy. Woke up late and barely made it on time for the announcements. Funny stuff! People are immature. People are retarded. I'm over it . Discouraging, yes. Going to stop, not a chance! Anyway, finally homework. More later.

Back; Finished my homework, yay. I ended up taking the 3 song survey today and turns out we were supposed to cross out duplicates. Wow, I don't understand why, but that means I kept recommending the same song for no reason. It was totally going to be played to. wow alright. I got 15 minutes for recycling Wednesday yay! I need 16 service hours for the quarter which we're half way through and I only have like 2 and a half hours. I'm going to have to do a lot of work this time round. Girls got 7 hours for going to dreams to reality, I still don't regret my decision of not going. Updating my ipod just gives me this satisfied feeling. I get to happy over little things. I don't if my readers think I'm a sad or a boring person like my blog might lead me on to be, but I'm the exact opposite. I'm almost always happy, I just tend to write a lot of the bad things here, to get them out my head, but mostly just to get them out. I'm a fun person I promise!


-I heard the funniest story tonight!
-I told a sad story today.
-Realizing how retarded people are, really makes me appreciate everyone in my life who isn't retarded in my life. Thank you. You really deserve more then a thank you, unfortunately I don't know how else to express my gratitude for having all your beautiful faces as a part of my life. I really am blessed. You guys remind me just how much I really am everyday. You keep me smiling. I won't let you down. Just a little bit of love from me to you. The world needs more!

Love. I act like I doubt it, but I'm nothing without it.


Be yourself. Yeah do it, I do it. I'll do it once I know who I am.

Who am I kidding? I know who I am.


Monday, November 30, 2009

Dragging your feet.

This week sure is lagging. It's only Monday. The freak.. it needs to be Friday. Now. Yeah, it does.

so funny its not.

I had so much work tonight. I didnt really have that much, it just seemed like it because I waited so long to do it. This is what happened today: I got home, I slept. I wake up for dinner. I eat dinner. I icecream and caked it after singing my sister happy birthday. I watch a little star trek, and then go upstairs to "do" my homework. Ended up "working" at the computer table, ended up not working. Ended up talking on the phone, and getting one problem done in like 2 hours. Pathetic. Made myself just finish everything. Came back to the computer. LimeWired it, and now I'm here. Going to add a new profile song. I'm bored. Tomorrow I'm going to barnes and noble to get a book I'm actually interested in. I'm going to do some online shopping. I'm also going to order 2 copies of elephant eyelash. XCited.
I'll think I'll be getting a book about:
A geological group who drilled a hole about 14.4 kilometers deep in the crust of the earth are saying that they heard human screams. Screams have been heard from the condemned souls from earth's deepest hole. Terrified scientists are afraid they have let loose the evil powers of hell up to the earth's surface.

'The information we are gathering is so surprising, that we are sincerely afraid of what we might find down there,' stated Dr Azzacov, the manager of the project in remote Siberia.

'The second surprise was the high temperature they discovered in the earth's center. 'The calculations indicate the given temperature was about 1,100 degrees Celsius, or over 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit,' Azzacov pointed out. 'This is far more then we expected. It seems almost like an inferno of fire is brutally going on in the center of the earth.

'The last discovery was nevertheless the most shocking to our ears, so much so that the scientists are afraid to continue the project. We tried to listen to the earth's movements at certain intervals with supersensitive microphones, which were let down through the hole. What we heard turned those logically thinking scientists into a trembling ruins. It was a sometimes a weak, but high pitched sound which we thought to be coming from our own equipment,' explained Dr Azzacov.

'But after some adjustments we comprehended that indeed the sound came from the earth's interior. We could hardly believe our own ears. We heard a human voice, screaming in pain. Even though one voice was discernible, we could hear thousands, perhaps millions, in the background, of suffering souls screaming. After this ghastly discovery, about half of the scientists quit because of fear. Hopefully, that which is down there will stay there,' Dr Azzacov added.

'What really unnerved the Soviets, apart from the voice recordings, was the appearance that same night of a fountainhead of luminous gas shooting up from the drill site, and out of the midst of this incandescent cloud pillar a brilliant being with bat wings revealed itself with the words (in Russian): 'I have conquered,' emblazoned against the dark Siberian sky.

'The incident was absolutely unreal; the Soviets cried out in terror,' says Mr. Nummedal. Later that night, he saw ambulance crews circulating in the community. A driver he knew told him that they had been told to sedate everybody with a medication known to erase short term memory. The Soviets use this drug in the treatment of shock victims.

* * * * * * *

Dr. Azzacove "As a communist I don’t believe in heaven or the Bible but as a scientist I now believe in hell," said Dr. Azzacove. "Needless to say we were shocked to make such a discovery. But we know what we saw and we know what we heard. And we are absolutely convinced that we drilled through the gates of Hell!"

Dr. Azzacove continued, ". . .the drill suddenly began to rotate wildly, indicating that we had reached a large empty pocket or cavern. Temperature sensors showed a dramatic increase in heat to 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit."

"We lowered a microphone, designed to detect the sounds of plate movements down the shaft. But instead of plate movements we heard a human voice screaming in pain! At first we thought the sound was coming from our own equipment."

"But when we made adjustments our worst suspicions were confirmed. The screams weren’t those of a single human, they were the screams of millions of humans!

* * * * * * *

Do you know why Jacques Costeau, the famous underwater explorer, quit deep sea diving sometime before he died? It is said that he stopped because he had heard in one of the underwater caves he was exploring, the sounds of people screaming.

There was also another time, when one of his men, who was in a diving bell in the deepest trench at the Bermuda Triangle, also had a similar experience. He signaled to be brought up immediately. After being revived from his shock, he told others of his frightening experience of hearing "Screams of people in pain".

Should be good, I forgot the title of it, going to have to find it tonight. There might be no time for a nap tomorrow. I'm going to take a shower and hit it early tonight. I have to finish writing a rough draft tomorrow. People need to talk to me.
-I love pleasent surprises, especially when they're presents with no occasion, or phone calls from someone I haven't talked to in a while.
-You're so chill, and you work at disneyland! Cant wait to hangout soon.
-Found my old post about the book, it's called "beyond death's door". Xcited.
-I want to meet you two, I've heard good things about you. Xcited.
-cant wait for your clothing line and my personal 'oh my shit!' shirt. and golden. and imbie. and sup now. and you know who better not steal these.
-You're soooooooosoososo sexy.
-I close your aim section so I dont see your sn.
-We will you know what with you know who soon enough.
-I want to go get a book as an excuse to get pink berry.
-I wasnt bored watching my basketball team play. Those 25 minutes went by fast, emely is actually really talkative. People just need to give her a chance. I'm glad I did.
-It was refreshing to talk to you on the phone last night, after not talking to you in the longest time. I know you noticed I'm smarter with my arguments. I'm not sure if you liked it. Probably not, but one this is for sure, you were caught off guard.
-You'll be surprised I wont be asking what you're doing this weekend. You'll try to make me feel bad for having plans. wont work.
-Tomorrow I'm taking a survey on the top 3 songs to be played at the dance, I want to write warp 1.9 each survey I do, so it's guaranteed to be played. That might not be needed, because I'm going to make sure it's played!!! I will come through. Yes yes.
-I'm really happy you left me an i miss you comment, because I really do miss you back. We will disney date forsure.
-We will win, in time. I will win, in time. How epic it will be, when your days have came and went. You're eyes will all roll, you'll be undecisive for once in your life. I'll have nothing but confidence. When that day comes where I'm right and your wrong. I won't remind you about it. I won't need to. I won't tease you about it. I won't need to. Because what's going to go on in your head will be 10times worse then anything I could tack to words.


Sunday, November 29, 2009



I fucked up my knee, it hurts like a bitch. No medicine. No medicine. This one is going to be bruised like the bitch it is. ugh, bread was good though. pizza was too, except not really.

Family Sport day. Forget the flags #nbd.

Pretty much my rock:

Oh yeah i forgot to mention went to church with this lady today.

99 red balloons go by

I'm up, I'm here. I'm home after 5 minutes of sleep and all smiles's house. We were scandalous. I might go back to sleep. I like the fact that I got up early, but there was a purpose. I don't think this purpose is going to be carried out after all. Should have known. I day dreamed for all im worth on the way home today, that's what 80's hits do you.

to bad.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Pure right down to the tag.

I actually have a favorite song now. I'm excited. And no its not this song. Keeping this piece of my soul secret for the special people in my life.

Woke up early today. Played live. Beat a campaign in 46 minutes with 3 british boys. I know they thought I was good for a girl. Booobooo; that's just how i do.
Riding bikes was a good work out. My muscles in my legs came alive. Yay. Rugby this tuesday. I'm genuinely excited. Tonight was fun, interesting to see people in different environments. Shows peoples' true colors by how fake they can be. Thanks to everyone who cares. You mean a lot to me, more then you know.

-I'm glad you saw my moment of vulnerability and jumped at the chance to cheer me up. I'm sorry I didn't let go of your hand. You are just to sweet to let slip through my fingers. You liked that I liked it. ;D
-I pulled you in closer then you expected. I can tell you like the unexpected. What can I say? I spell unexpected. We had a moment. ;P (orange soda)
-{im sorry i really dont use smilies but its the best way i can describe how i felt @ the moment without writing you a book}
-I have to deal with being second, you really are the cutest, i love you boy!
-There's a part of me that really wants to go to a rave, I actually really like hard techno, [nodrugs(gross)]. I just want to go to dance. In the mean time I'll just host my own dance partys with Carolina.
-so excited for the mish
-I want to talk to you, but I'm not going to call. It's also cause I'm not done with your birthday present, but you dont have to know about that.
-A great example of the techno music i like is the song on this post. watcha think?
-Christmas is right around the corner.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

keep me here ill kiss you there

i almost died trying to keep myself from adding this one song that i have to keep underwraps to my myspace profile. ugh!!!!!

i might do it, i might do it.

im cold

on my own, here we go.

I need company.

Just another sunday paddle boat ride..

I don't think I'll be doing anything this ThanksGiving. Just another Holiday down the drain, just another holiday curse, just another year, just another fucked up memory, just another all talk no walk, just another repeat of everything ive been trying to hide, just another hopeless teenager's problem that you think im overreacting to, just another lonely day, just another cry with no noise, no blinking, just tears.

I'm over this fucking family drama. This is a waste of my time, I just wish I had something better to. I would ride my bike straight down westminster to get to 2nd if I had a helmet and if Carolina was home. She's not, she's in the ghetto and I can't ride my bike to compton. It's sad I can't even go to my own family's thanksgiving celebration, and we didnt even get invited to the other side's celebrations. I went so far as to ask them to drop me off at my aunts. To much to ask I guess. My mom wants to go eat at marie calanders, because "we have to eat somewhere". I just stayed silent.

I played live again, this time my teammates sucked. I saved our campaign single handedly. Good for my rep. MickBrutal owns.

Can someone cheer me up, Julio's bulliton worked for like 2 minutes, haha.


I kinda got carried away with xbox live. This time I played with my sister, Canada, and England. My sister sucks, Canada was pretty good all around, England was soo funny and always revived everyone, and I was the headshot leader. They started calling me California when Mary went idle, (I say i-deal and Mary gets so angry). My neck won't crack in the right places! Good sleep.

My favorite time to be alive.

First off, Happy Thanksgiving. And a quick update on my finger, it's all better. Didn't take medicine. Awh, dontcha ya love the power of prayers..

Yeah, this song grew on me.

Today Tightings-
All I remember:
Woke up late, (i don't even care anymore). Rode bikes like a pro, I need a more legit bike. Fuck Cruisers. I dont think the clock is moving. Hooked up XBOX live. sooosososoosososoos fun. Easier then I thought, and I'm pretty good with other people who have mics. A couple of cool gamers from Texas and Florida. I call the people I play with by their state names. I get a month of live play free. I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow, and what im going to wear. I need to make a call soon. Then I'll probably play some more live. Hm, hm , hm . hmmmmmm

I'm a white chocolate mocha kind of girl.

ps. when i say i, i mean we [carolina]

Well no one answered my calls so I'm back. I should be mad about it, but I laughed about it instead. Is this good? It can't be bad. I guess I'm used to it, ahahahaha. Pretty Hypocritical. I still am doing this water kick. I think it's going to last for the rest of my life. I'm not even tempted to drink soda anymore. My phones battery is pretty pathetic now. I screwed it up. Over charged at first, and now I don't charge enough. My bad.

I'm done.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Monday's Thoughts

School, easy.

Nap, delicious but not satisfying.

Shopping (on a mission and saw the goal), eventful.

Homework, easy.

Writing 22 reasons with a sprained finger, super challenging.

Being the first to wish Rocky a happy birthday, hard. I was technically the first one to SAY happy birthday to him, so I win. I win.

Independent Bible Study, great.


I thought I dislocated my finger and unintentionally relocated it right after playing basketball, but now i'm pretty sure it's just a sprain. It's hurts. Therefore, typing this hurts. Dedication. What hurt worse was writing 22 reasons and rewriting a bible verse because I liked it so much, up later. My contacts are hazing up. [Carolina]Now every time I get coffee I get white chocolate mocha, so good. Every coffee brew house is pretty consistent with the goodness factor on this drink. Cashing my check tomorrow, (hopefully). I don't know what I'm going to do with 5k. I guess I'll start with Christmas gifts. All in all, I know I'm going to save most of it. I'll probably end up helping pay rent or something when we move. I'm fine with it. I honestly don't need much. I'm not to fussy. I'm constantly striving for opportunities to improve myself as a human being, and I don't think being greedy would go well on my book. I'm slowly reconnecting with Jesus, because I did get lazy and feel a little out of touch. The thing that sucks about losing touch and that closeness, is that each time you lose it, it's harder to get back. I deserve the extra effort though. It's not a punishment. Just another opportunity..

yep thats the hand-finger, this time buddy taping didnt come through. sprains hurt worse than fractures, they're just less of a hassle. Stupid Sprain. Stupid pain. I'm not going to take medicine. I'm not going to take medicine. I'm not going to take medicine.

Happy Birthday Rocky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No birthday curse this year.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Sunday Feelings:

I just got a text saying, "Wat?" . Then I said "Who's this" and they said "sorr wrng numba" .

I watched New Moon, it was better than Twilight and it still sucked....hard. Don't waist your money. Playing tag in bella terra, that's 2 miles this week. Tag was fun. More later im just dying for a post.

Yeah, I'm a twih8r . a big one. try me,

Saturday, November 21, 2009

so far saturday

Watched Star Trek, impressed. I loved it!!

Live Long and Prosper.

Don't use the past to comment on the present
Because tomorrow I'll do better than you've ever seen
And I will ignore the lines that you have drawn
For along them I could never walk upon

*I act like I doubt it, but I'm nothing without it.

Friday, November 20, 2009


Do the friday dance,

if you want the defintion of me in a picture : V

Monday, November 16, 2009

this hand was meant to hold

have you ever really danced on the edge?

Today: Freeloaded to the max. Finished writing the script for upcoming video assignment, I wonder how it's going to turn out.. The script looks good, but can we pull it off? Took a nap, ate pizza crust, and finshed homework while singing along to Why? Today was alright. Just another Monday, one down 1648 days to go.

Why did you, why did you ascend alone? Could I make, could I make it on my own?

always and never

Its getting a little late, and my hair is almost completely dry. I don't want to sleep yet, making a playlist for an upcoming mix. It's going to be good. Today was lazy. I want a back massage. Haha, I'm going to add new song, I've been holding off for a while but I think it's time.

-Remind me about Christmas.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

part of me is gone,

you've taken pieces of my heart. never looking back,

never looking back.

Friday-Saturday, over already? They were great! I love my bestfriends.
Friday:(day)doing military discipline drills because we talked. fun stuff ! (night)Long conversations in front of indie coffee shops. heart to hearts before sleeping just because the bed was warm. taking showers at 3am. Going on a killing cockroaches mission; with you being the raid master, and with me being a samaria- broom&febreeze warrior. Delirious talks and delirious laughs. I can't forget our spaghetti tacos, those were down.
Saturday: Sleeping in a bit, because we deserved it. Getting "up", talks in socks. Finding something to do, and getting ready in record speed. Out the door, and in another. Watched 'another teen movie', ate some chips. stopped by andrews for CODMW2. got some gas and came home. beat each other up for my phone (lasted forever but was the highlight of my stay). played some co-ap CODMW2. 555 deal. ride home. long hugs because were thugs. gathered up my stuff. talked some more. and i was out the door yet again.


My feet are cold and im hungry. I feel disconnected because no one is replying to me, maybe ill just play amateur surgeon when im done with this. I need to pee but i don't want my barefeet to touch the tile, they can't handle such extreme temperature changes. I really want to add certain songs to my profile but I don't because of me and Carolina's promise to each other. My stomach muscles are sore, and everytime I change positions or laugh it hurts. I can't remember the last time I've been sick. I guess I can now see where people come from when they say I don't believe in medicine. They really aren't that crazy.

-You do care! Just when I wasn't sure, you freaked. Haha, yes. Prayers never fail me. :]
-Remind me to add 'Last Christmas' on christmas eve.
-Remind me to delete texts you want private.
-Remind me not to slow my pace because people can't keep up.
-Remind me to ask Rocky to take me on a hike.
-Remind me to get started buying his birthday presents.
-Remind me to update my iPod.
-Remind me not to put the phone on speaker next time, this time I'll leave you wondering.
-Remind me to never end on a bad note and to always hug you like its that last time I'll see you.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

because as of right now

if anyone wants to hangout tonight/tomorrow, let me know!!!


Monday, November 9, 2009

home with on a saturday night, with all my doors locked up tight.

I made a cute little theme song for our show. It's down.
"You're an idiot.
You're an imbie.
You're a POS.
and you're just plain.....stupid."
Sounds brilliant, i just forgot the jingle. whoopsies . good thing carolina has a memory longer than an hour. I'm going to ask to change math teachers, i have a feeling i'll understand a lot better in Roehling's class then Flack's, even if I do have to deal with 7th graders, and might not have as much time to sleep, it'll all be worth it. I dont want to have to retake the class, not because i failed, just because that's average. I'll ask tomorrow. I have to give a speech thing tomorrow, writing it was like my only homework. not sure what im going to do tomorrow night/wes. no school wednesday. im excited. i was thinking disney but everyone and their brother is going to be @ disney.
My weekend was awesome, Jaynee is a sweet girl. carolina and our random rave dancing cravings. interesting if you ask me, fun if you ask me. prepare for a new episode. I don't know where my ipod is, this is not good, i miss it. =/ it's only been missing for like two days but still. my nap today was as good as usual, i think its because my pillows were arranged like shit, but i was to lazy move them. it's that thing where you think about doing it, end up falling asleep, and wake up annoyed. my eyes scream run away, my heart screams get closer, my gut feeling says stick around and see what happens, i say i dont have time. my life says i do. i do, i will, ill chill.
Next year I'll be able to answer you honestly. yikes; its unnatural how much i can't wait. my hands are losing feeling, and it's still early. my point was, even after that nap, im as tired as ever. only one person called me back, dinner wasnt good, my eyes burn, my back hurts, and i dont want to move. it sucks knowing you'll never get what you want, but it really doesnt. what really sucks is you have no idea about anything. just faith. just faith, and hang on to yours as tight as you can, white knuckle it and don't let them pry your fingers from it. your faith is one of the most valuable things you can have. and people and devils and things and life and the world is going to try to slowly take it from you, sometimes they succeed and rip you of all of your faith. but please please as long as your still breathing, living you can take it all back. every ounce of it. get it back. get it back, and do it as fast as you can.

-jaynee, that pizza we had was really good. i want it back.
-can someone warm my hands/feet up. thanks.
-who wants to come over and play l4d, just for that sole purpose. people discourage me.
-you think im some music expert, you should really meet my friends. (the ones worth meeting of course)
-listening to the audition, i forgot about them, they good stuff.
-pretty soon, i'll filter some of you out. those that don't talk, will walk. those that don't stop, i got them on lock.
-it's top late, i think the tide has come to wash you out. wash you away from him.
-i don't bitch slap, i bitch punch.
-remind me to remind you about me letting you keep my mini rave mix. its better than your big one.
-i wonder if you listened to it this morning..... probably.
-remind me to remind you how much i was glad to help you, and kept you from crashing. js, nothing intended. i just dont want you to think you i dont care.
-actions > words. you'll never do. sorry, over it. i know you won't give up, but ill pwn you coming up pretty soon, it's just the way it was supposed to be. this time im your teacher. and you'll wish you didnt waste the chance, but really you didnt.
-you hate weezer, we laughed together.
-if you said you
-i know she saw you look over at me, then i know she saw us laugh and smile, and then hide it, and then i came up with the best distraction, and she realized what we did, but was to scared to bring it up.
-when you were telling her off i couldn't help but feel your eyes on me in approval, i didnt look back at you, but i made my opinion very clear (without opening my mouth)
-you'll call tomorrow, and one of four things will happen: 1) you'll have a valid reason. 2) you give me the half truth 3)you'll have a pathetic reason 4) you wont bring it up.
-please save us time because you know ill bring it up, and by then you'll have made your 2nd mistake.
-whatever im bound to call you out on some things, and i know what you'll say. ill just say it doesnt seem fake. then you'll say, it doesnt seem fake but it is. then ill say well i had to address it, because it annoys me. then we'll move on to our next little topic.
-you dont know what you're talking about. don't refer to my blogs for a source, dumbass. i wrote them, you don't think i can't handle the subject. dont contradict your self again. this time i agrees with life, i dont have time for that one.
-the cycle will start over soon enough. i can tell you're trying everything to prevent it.
-my nose it cold. or maybe its my hands. or maybe its both.
-if you havent noticed i know what i want and ill get it. i dont know how to be more blunt.
"i want a hug"
-you see me roll my eyes at you. you dont say anything. once again scared.
-losing respect. when i saw what you wrote, it did bring up curiosity but i wasnt even surprised. i wasnt even sad.
-i wonder whats in store for tomorrow.

"i wonder what life has in store for me."
i wanted to say: i wonder what life has in store for ME.
but i know what you would say.
and i didn't come up with this until today: exactly.

TB me.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

i dont want to lose these

Thursday, November 5, 2009

seems our day keeps falling on a leap year

ASB conference today. Pretty fun, pretty big place, nice to not have someone breathing down your neck 24/7. I think you wanted to talk on the bus, to bad my ipod was on, to bad two headphones were in my ears, to bad you were laughing at the music i like, to bad i dont care and cant understand anything you say. As I switch radio stations the advertisements bug me so much i have to use every ounce of self control i have left at this hour. Did you know most famous bands make deals with devil? I was listening to a song by harvey danger most of you know it by "im not sick, but im not well", yeah that song. very popular song. Well I thought hmm maybe I should look up the lyrics and see if there's anything eerie, evil, or maybe a little sketchy. This is what I found.

I had visions, I was in them,
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
The rottenness and evil in me [1]

Fingertips have memories,
But can't forget the curves of your body
So when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes [seems like they're trying to say something with deeper meaning to me]
(But no one ever does)

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
and I'm so hot 'cause I'm in hell [ok self explanitory]

Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding [reminds of some of the revelations and mark of the beast towards the end, relating to the bible. also demons ]
And I don't even own a TV

Put me in the hospital for nerves
And then they had to commit me
You told them all I was crazy
They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, Goddamn you [just had to say 'Goddamn you']

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell [2]
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin, to live so well [3 a sin to live so well, im guessing refering to their deal with the devil]

I wanna publish 'zines
And rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
It doesn't hurt, it feels fine
The trivial sublime
I'd like to turn off time
And kill my mind
You kill my mind

Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's comin' to get me
Just say you never met me
I'm runnin' underground with the moles [underground maybe as the center of the earth, hmm]
Diggin' holes
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring [4 and once again self explanatory]
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me, whoa!

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell [5]
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live this well [6]

(One, two, three, four!)

I don't know much about music and deals with the devil. [] were just my thoughts I thoughts I thought I'd share. Maybe they choose those lyrics out of coincidence. I don't know much about this song and who wrote it. I might be completely wrong, but I might be completely right. Tomorrow, I'm going to get up and shower and figure out what to do from there. During the day, if no one wants to hang out, I might just ride my bike around, get pinkberry, see a movie or something, hit up disney. Diana I have things to fill you in on and remind me about our show, we'll brainstorm. Whenever I yawn my right headphone comes out a little bit. I also need new ipod headphones. I also have to put together a presentation and finish my 4hr log. I'm going to six flags the friday of thanksgiving week. I normally don't plan things but this is different. We're finally done putting it off. Anyway if you like roller coasters bring up going with me sometime. I want to play in the snow.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

I have to be at school, ready for the bus at 7am. I say I'm not a morning person, but when I have to get up for something like this. I actually get ready quickly, and efficiently. The same way I get up for church on those Sunday mornings at your house. I love going to your church. It's been awhile. I forgot to call some of the people I needed to call, well I didn't forget you. I just put it off, and now its to late. I'm getting up in six hours. I won't be in bed for another 30 at the least. I don't know what to expect. The day you told me, everyone loves rules, I was not one to add to the yeah rights and booing. I knew what you were going to say, and I knew you were right. I never forgot that talk.


I almost want to tell you not to like me. I'll be nothing you wanted, and to much to handle. I'll give up on you the minute you forget to call. You'll wish you left when you could, because you want to be right, and you don't want me to get away with the last word. I can tell you its going no where, and you'll just keep talking. I keep talking, but I don't know if I should. I know I shouldn't be like this, but what can I say? I am. You'll never live up to my expectations, expectations = a person.

-A week or two before I make you cry.

You say how much you hated her for what she did. When you were explaining what she did and how it was so fucked up without saying it was 'fucked up' you realized you were doing what you said to me. You stuttered, and stumbled on with an excuse as an attempt to sooth the mood. I couldn't help but laugh, possibly at you, most definitely at me. I put myself in the biggest trap that I couldn't back out of. I knew it too. I knew at this point it was to late. I know this would effect me for the rest of my life. I realized this, and I smiled. I screwed everything up. I love it. I can only say this was how it was supposed to be, and it was supposed to be me.

I was thinking about showers in the morning. Then I thought how I always take showers at night. I remembered the one morning I didn't take a shower at night, I was living with you. I woke up, I got my towels, went into your room, and quietly shut the door. They lied to me and said you were doing better. I don't remember if I knew they were lying, and I don't remember if I thought about it. Today though, today, was different. I can't remember if I looked at you before, but just now I pictured you sleeping. I was mad that I didn't visit you more in the hospital, so I blamed it on them and said no one took me to see you. If God knew my intentions, if God knew I didn't want to be on the computer, and instead wanted to be with you, I would have been with you. To bad my intentions were not with you, instead with the ways of the world and what they wanted me to do. I could have rode my bike to see you, I could have walked. There was no excuse. There is no excuse. I don't care if it was 7 hours away, let alone 15 minutes away at the most with a car. I didn't visit you enough. I took a shower that morning, and I didn't give you a kiss goodbye. At the moment, nothing indicated today would be your last day. No one told me to remember what you last said to me. No one told me that'd be last shower I'd take while you were alive. No one told me to say goodbye. No one told me you were going to die 30 minutes later, and I'd be the last to know. No one told me I see a dead body that day, let alone be forced to kiss one, let alone yours. I still can't remember the last thing you said to me, and if it was good, or if we were fighting. I just remember your scent because I stole your perfume before your things got picked at, fought over, and thrown away, as if they meant nothing. I couldn't understand why all people cared about was getting their money. I couldn't understand why I felt like I was the only one that was thinking about you. I couldn't help but feel them thinking I didn't deserve to cry, like I didn't have a good enough reason. I had every reason. I made some of the biggest mistakes of my life that morning, the night before, and your last few weeks. The biggest thing was how much it hurt afterwards. Everyone else busy with themselves and their lives to comfort you that next day, that next year. You died that morning, and I just thought I ode you the biggest thank you I could ever let my soul give.

we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

: love you
michellexdear: haha
michellexdear: no you dont

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

confusion never cleared up this fast

Today: was almost indescrabile. I did so much, but I feel like I did nothing. It's weird, and it's making me feel......discontent? I'm not sure but school tomorrow, asb trip thursday, no school friday. i don't have to run the mile, interesting. a little disappointing. i need discipline. i need to tell all my teachers. i know a few that are going to hassle me. gross. i think ill take my test tomorrow. i should do my reading hw thats due on thurs because im not going to be here, but i wont. i smell hassle coming around the bend. i need to call the usual kids tomorrow with out fail. ive got some things to clear up and catch up on. im going to take a quick shower, then ill do some studying and light reading. I really recommend reading the bible, I guarantee it's the most interesting thing you'll ever lay your eyes on. Everything's starting to close me in again, the only good thing about this is knowing i'm due for a breakthrough. I'm really looking forward to moving to los alamitos this summer. Carolina work on getting me that green track bike locked to the stairs that no one uses. I'm willing to pay a little $$$. Unless someone knows where I can get a good deal on a decent track bike. I love thanksgiving. Anyone want to get an annual thanksgiving football tournament going? I'm down for whoever will play. keyword: play (participate) ill swing at slackers. Other news, new years already. wow. wow. wow. you going to play like that? really, are you going to play like that? Ok. ok.

I need to write back to everyone. I will. I will. I never got my grams.
I'm pisseddddd.

I want my grams.

breathing deeply, walking backwards, finding strength to call and ask her. roller coaster, favorite ride. let me kiss you one last time,


Sunday, November 1, 2009

You hate that we're compatible.

I love it.

-get slip signed for asb conference retreat thing.
-talk to carolina about her bday
-ask people about their halloween
-invite jaynee over to play l4d
-verbally eat someone, i need practice
-get a haircut

+talking to people gets me back on check. takes away problems. talking about their problems, just someone elses problems in general; take mine away. sometimes i think i dont have a problems. i might be right. compared to others, they are nothing. compared to few, they're more than they'd ever be able to handle. compared to some, those are the some that can relate. unfortunately, or fortunately you rarely find someone that relates to you(r) problems.

+you'd never imagine what -- has in store for you. whenever you think you know what hes going to say, you're right, but the next time, the next time, you're wrong. Other times you just get lazy, and don't think things through. but you still surprise me even when ive told others you dont.


caught up with lily, kind of, nice. taking a science test tomorrow. running the mile tomorrow. going to be forced to do this stupid review tomorrow. going to try out live tomorrow. going to talk to you two on the phone tomorrow. i wonder who'll call who. doing all of the things i need to do. doing things i never wanted to do. pointless appreciation, a pointless appreciation. no one deserves credit for what they do. we should all stay nameless. then call that equality. not for what their status reads. social class. money. friends and local trends. get over yourself. be done. ready, for this underdone rerun? un- closure to the point of tears. i call this emotion. when you're so fed up you cant label anything anymore. done and done. im not saying you're wrong, but i want a fight. i want to know you're real. i just want a life worth living. a playful debate. something we'll laugh over (as long as im right). when you said you 'got' what i was saying, i laughed and said good because i don't. bro. called me bro. for now its acceptable. call me when you care. dont dare to challenge a challenger. kthanxbai. keep in mind, i never fly high.

Anybody dare to hero section me? Feel free.

skeet skeet, mutha fucka.


today: people sucked, hard.

dead air: completed.

now someone just needs to teach me how to hook up xbox live.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

call me for no reason, non other than to talk.

whenever it starts to fade. a familiar smile, sound, scent, regret. i cant escape. maybe its a sign that im not supposed to forget you just yet.

and i have my good days, and i have my bad days. but of this i would be lying, a perplexed system no one will ever get close to conquering, understanding. and the closer you think you are to the answer, the farther you are. turn around. step up. if they push you away, keep your head up. you know where ever you're going will lead to a new adventure. a new opportunity, while they'll be standing still. going nowhere. it must suck living a life knowing what you are going to do next. planning, planning only gets you so far. personally, i hate planning. organized chaos. life is chaos. organization is never permanent. why waist your time in a illusion. an illusion only waiting to disappear, because every breath in, is one closer to your last.

and it went just like that.

just as simple as that.


gn, sorry about the dance. ill see to it to never let that happen again.


a dial tone, you wont call back. hang up, don't call. wait. dial tone again, this time press the green phone. change your mind at the last second. try getting your mind off the call that will never come. try to think in the now. it wont work. your next call you're disappointed because the caller didnt reach the right receiver. that call wasn't meant for you. you're just looking for your other heart. and only when they call you, is it meant to be. walk on, walk on, you're young. i hear over and over again. im done with over. i want something fresh. but God help me, i never want to think im as desperate as you. desperation doesnt have to lead to intolerable acts. overwhelming. im so young. aren't i? fuck this. fuck this age. i was less limitations. less imitations. i want something worth gossiping about. something with at least a fraction of real. real real really. get back to me when you understand. get back to me when were equally yolked. i want my hand to hold.

maturity > age

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

so proud, i should be resting

beat the second mission: the woods, left4dead.
played for three hours straight, but it was worth it.
wayyy crazier. mostly just the last level, i knew my strategy was bound to work.

now that i came home and played left4dead until ten minutes ago, i've got homework to look forward too. yipee. i wonder how they would react if i gave up, typical. it's to easy to waste any label worse than outstanding. i guess ill do it..